Hello fellow bloggers and friends. It has been a long while since I’ve written. To be honest I don’t really feel like writing now, but I am making myself because hopefully writing and catching up on all your stories will help to get out of the rut I am in. Since my 2nd IVF round was cancelled in early September, I really haven’t been doing anything to try and conceive. I thought taking this time would rejuvenate me and give me some time to focus on other things. In some ways this has happened. I am in the middle of taking two classes to finish up my degree and I also started a knitting project for M’s Christmas gift. However it hasn’t been as easy as I was hoping (why would I even think that it would be?!). I think this time away from actively trying to conceive has actually been more difficult because I don’t really have anything to do. When I was going through all the testing, surgeries, shots, ultrasounds, etc., that didn’t leave much time to think. It was pretty much a full year of activity. Now there is just the let down of how all that time, money, and energy didn’t amount anything. When I let myself wallow, it’s quite depressing really. October came and went. It was October 2013 when I found out the extent of my fertility problems and this entire roller coaster started. I was fairly down for most of the month.
This afternoon I am going to see a psychologist. I went once to therapy and it really wasn’t helpful. I am going to try again today with another therapist. I am nervous. I am hoping maybe seeing her will help me deal with some anger issues that have always been there, but that have gotten progressively worse since trying (and failing) to conceive.
I told one more friend about my infertility. She was supportive and only wishes I had told her sooner. It felt good to tell someone, but at the same time it highlighted how little most people really know about fertility. I myself didn’t know much about it until I was “lucky” enough to start on this journey (/sarcasm). I am going to write a blog post soon about the pros and cons of telling vs. not telling in regards to infertility. I would love to get some opinions on this.
This blog is sort of all over the place. I don’t want to give the impression that I am in this horrible sad place. I still do my best to remain positive and have been taking care of myself for the most part. For most of last year I cut coffee out of my diet completely, although my RE and nurse told me this was not necessary. Now I have been allowing myself to have one cup in the morning. I also allow myself to have a glass of wine with dinner a few nights a week. Growing up a first generation American with European parents, wine is a very normal part of our culture and I would drink one glass with dinner each night. This was enjoyable for me, but I pretty much cut it out completely as well. After doing research and again consulting with my doctor and nurse, I decided to add it back in a few nights a week. Other than that, my diet remains the same; I’ve also still been taking my supplements and practicing yoga about 4 times a week, which I truly believe keeps me from slipping to a dark place.
In the middle of all this, my relationship with M remains very strong. I am very happy and proud that we have each other. This may be TMI, but we haven’t been having as much sex as we used to. It’s not like we go an absurd amount of time without it, and I think our sex life is still healthy. It’s just not as frequent as it once was. Most nights, unfortunately I am just not in the mood. We have talked about this because I don’t want us to start feeling disconnected from each other. M is understanding and we are still extremely close and secure in our relationship. I am so thankful for him. M-centric blog post coming soon 🙂
If anyone is reading this, thanks for wading through all my ramblings. It’s been a while, and I just wanted to poke my head out of the sand and say I am still here. I am still trying. I am still hopeful ❤