2016 we are breaking up….

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Don’t get me wrong, I have to admit 2016 was a pretty awesome year.  I got to plan the wedding I never knew I always wanted, I married my soul mate, and we bought a cute little house that we are now making our home.  M and I got to enjoy just being a regular couple.  However, 2016 has become like this comfortable relationship that I just dread leaving, but I know I must move on!

I feel like this year was the calm AFTER the storm.  We had so much heartache in 2014 and 2015 with our infertility, 2016 was like this peaceful oasis.  So now that it is at a close, it’s making me a little nervous.  We still have our one little embryo frozen since 2015.  We really need to settle on a time to schedule the transfer, but I have been dragging my feet.  I’ve said it before, but this is our last chance to have a biological child and right now that tiny sliver of hope is still alive.  Once we complete the transfer it will become REAL.  And all hope will be gained or lost.  Now I also have to reiterate I don’t care about biology.  My own relationship with my biological family is pretty strained with most members, so it’s not important to me.  It’s just that if this doesn’t work, we will be starting again at square one, and that’s what is scary.  It’s just like making the decision to end a relationship or stay with it – it may not be the best but it’s comfortable and starting all over is such a PAIN!!

With all of this one thing is still sure – I still want to be a mom.  Probably even more than that, lately I really want M to be a dad!  He is so patient, mindful, and just a big kid himself!  I would love for him to have the chance at being a parent.  So we will not give up, and we will have to bite the bullet and transfer sometime soon.  Now we just have to figure out when….

2016 has also been a big year of growth and learning new things.  The two years prior were so filled with infertility related goings-on that there was not much time left for anything else.  This year I finally went back to school by taking a few classes, I got much more into cooking and recipe rehabbing, I learned I liked to decorate and have been doing so in my new house, and most recently – and this is supper exciting – I have started learning about and purchasing essential oils!  I have used essential oils sporadically for the past few years, mainly just for yoga purposes or to get to sleep.  A few weeks ago I took the plunge and bought a whole starter kit from Young Living Essential Oils.  Well I have been obsessed ever since!  I am still a newborn and have only used a couple oils so far, but I will be writing about my experiences soon!  (side note:  if anyone has any experiences or suggestions in this area I would love to hear them)

I have also attempted to reorganize my blog, although that has been less than successful.  I am trying to venture into other topics other than fertility, but it’s been a bit challenging to convey that.  I would essentially like to have a static front page and then just categories readers can click to see blogs related to infertility, fitness, cooking, etc.  It’s getting there but I have a long way to go.  If anyone has any tips for creating a better blog please let me know!!  I am open to all suggestions!

So 2016….it’s been real!  Real emotional, real stressful, real fun, real enlightening, real AMAZING.  It’s sad to let you go, but bigger things await 🙂

 

Thoughts for National Infertility Awareness Week

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I can’t believe it’s been two and a half years since I was officially diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  30 months of living with it.  When I think back to that time in October of 2013, sometimes I just laugh and miss how innocent I was.  Like I said in my last post, I didn’t know anything about infertility.  I was like the people who drive me crazy today – optimistic, ignorant, diminishing, naive.  National Infertility Awareness Week is an awesome platform because in this community that is exactly what we are missing the most – Awareness.

I can go on Social Media and find out what people are eating for breakfast, or what products they use to clean their bathrooms, or what deodorant they are currently sampling (true story.).  We are living in a society that overshares, I get it.  Heck, obviously I even participate in it (sans deodorant stories).  However, when it comes to infertility, I have come to realize it makes some people very uncomfortable.  It’s still some sort of taboo to talk about, and it’s absurd.  Maybe it’s because people feel badly and don’t know what to say.  Maybe it’s because they have popped out four kids in as many years and this is a problem that never even crossed their minds.  But maybe they are just like I was – blissfully ignorant.  I think my false sense of security stemmed from seeing so many older people having children and all the success stories I heard.  I never gave it a second thought that maybe these women getting pregnant at 47 were using donor eggs, or maybe they had frozen their eggs 10 years ago and were finally experiencing a successful transfer.  Maybe they had spent thousands of dollars and suffered terrible losses.  We don’t see that side of things.  We only see the successes.  And the blissful ignorance for me came from not yet knowing that behind all those amazing successes were many, many heartbreaking failures.  This is the reality we don’t see.  This is where we really have the need for awareness.  Not pity, not false optimism.  Just awareness.  From there, maybe some acknowledgement and empathy could emerge.

I know we all have a list for how our lives changed in not so positive ways since infertility.  I dedicated an entire post last week on how it turned me into a raging one upping pity monster.  On some days, I am still that person and I think that’s perfectly allowed!  But today I think I just want to make a brief list of ways infertility has unexpectedly benefited my life.  I would like to think I would have been evolved enough to learn these lessons in a less cruel way, but that is out of my control.  Anyway, here it is:

  1. I learned about my infertility in a very random way.  I hadn’t even been trying to conceive at that point.  I take this as a positive because if I hadn’t found out my diagnosis when I did, when I finally did learn about it two, three years later it would have been after trying (and failing) to conceive naturally and far too late to even have a chance at a biological child.  As it is, I have one chance, my little frozen embryo.
  2. Selfish moments notwithstanding, infertility has made me more compassionate and understanding.  It’s made me realize that outwardly a person may look like a million bucks, but no one really knows what is going on in that person’s body, heart, and mind.  On the contrary, I’ve found often it’s the people that complain the least that have the most to deal with.  We are all fighting our own battles.
  3. Infertility is such a shit show.  Life in general is just so tough.  So now, when a moment is good, I try to embrace it and enjoy it.  It may not last very long, and it will most certainly change.  This is something I struggle with, but I’m working on it.
  4. I’m mindful.  I really try to be self aware and feel whatever I’m feeling, be it good or bad.  Sometimes, this had lead to facing some harsh realizations about myself, and others.  Sometimes I don’t really know what to do with my feeling or emotions, or I feel ashamed of them.  But at least I acknowledge them.  That’s a step.
  5. I’ve become a lot more interested in physical fitness and wellness in general.  A recent hobby of mine is “rehabbing” recipes.  Instead of just baking cookies I will look for a “healthy” cookie recipe that doesn’t require butter and sugar, or instead of eating pasta I will substitute zucchini noodles or spaghetti squash.  It’s actually been fun and believe it or not some of my rehabbed recipes are even easier to make than the originals and taste fabulous!
  6. Probably the best thing that has come out of my infertility diagnosis and the one thing I would never give up is my unbelievably strong bond with M.  Since being diagnosed up to now, M and I have officially moved in together, gotten engaged, and are getting married in June.  Infertility pretty much took over our lives, but through it all he has been a source of strength, positivity, and light around me.  I think about previous relationships I had and what would happen if I had to endure infertility with those partners, and very flatly it wouldn’t have worked out.  In the past, my relationships were very adversarial; we always seemed to be on opposing sides for some reason.  With M, I truly feel we are a team.  We love each other, we respect each other and we are each other’s biggest fan.  Our relationship has changed, but it is just as strong as ever.

So yeah.  I’m one in eight.  This is what infertility looks like.  It’s not always pretty, it’s not always good.  It’s not for the weak.  To all my infertility sisters, all I can say is that you are all bad asses!  You are all strong, beautiful women in all your messy, angry, heartbreaking, happy, caring, selfish, INSPIRING glory.  I am proud to stand with you.  I am proud to fight with you and for you.  You all rock!

It’s not all about me! Except that sometimes I want it to be.

downloadYou guys, in case you’ve forgotten, infertility really sucks.  It’s changed me.  It’s changed my personality.  And sometimes, I don’t like those changes.  At all.

In some ways, infertility has made me more compassionate and understanding.  It’s made me realize that we all have things going on that may not necessarily be known, but that affect us.  If someone is acting rude or absent minded or just seems a bit “off”, for the most part now I don’t take it personally and just realize that as I am going through an issue, he or she may also be facing something private.  Infertility has helped me give people the benefit of the doubt.

In other ways, it’s really turned me into a one upping bitch (I hate that term but there is really no other way to describe it!).  You see, at first I didn’t see the seriousness of my situation.  I told a couple friends about my diagnosis, but I still had so much false hope that things would work out and everything would be fine.  Just like many people who don’t have an intimate relationship with infertility, I thought, this is 2013 (at the time).  There are so many advances in fertility treatments!  I got this!  I was so naive.  I did to myself what so many people do to me now – minimized my situation.

Fast forward to almost three years of shots, scans, blood work, and procedures.  I have come to realize that no, I don’t got this.  I don’t got this at all.  Nevertheless, like many other diseases, infertility can’t be seen, which leads many people to think I live a charmed life.  I have a wonderful partner (soon to be husband!) and I have a good job.  I have time to devote to hobbies.  I look outwardly healthy.  What in the world must I know about problems!  My life is perfect!  People feel very free to let me know this, and often!

And here is where the bitchiness comes in.  At first, I would just kind of smile and say everyone has issues and no one lives a perfect life.  The more time has passed however, the harder it has become to just leave it at that.  I am tired of my problems being diminished.  I’m tired of people thinking because I am single and childless that whatever I have going on in my life is not important.  Being 36 years old, many people I know are parents.  I have gotten to the point where it feels like parents are the only group of people for which it is socially acceptable to complain.  People without kids, sorry!  Your problems pale in comparison!  I mean I get that parenting has got to be the toughest job second to none.  People need to vent.  I totally understand this.  But sorry parents, you don’t have the monopoly on problems.  Especially when you planned on having these children.  (side rant:  If a couple is not using any form or birth control and the woman falls pregnant, I consider that a planned pregnancy.  I have a friend who was absolutely gob smacked when she found out she was pregnant earlier this year, despite the fact that she never used any form of birth control.  No, that’s not how it works.  Be surprised when you’re not using protection and you DON’T fall pregnant.  That’s when you know you have an issue.)

And then the one upping starts.  If someone starts complaining to me, about their children or about anything really, I feel the need to interject with some complaint of my own, just to show that actually no, my life is NOT perfect.  Or if a friend who knows about my infertility complains about her shoe size going up after pregnancy, I feel the need to say well at least you have your child, I wouldn’t mind going up a shoe size or a dress size!  Yes, that actually happened.  It makes me feel absolutely monstrous.  Who am I?!

I realized that I was turning into a self pitying monster when I started planning my wedding.  I actually got to the point where even though this positive thing was going on I always felt the need to remind people of my infertility, as if to say I’m having a good time now but this boulder is still on my plate.  Which it is, and it is something that is always with me.  But why did I feel the need to MENTION it, and multiple times?!  I couldn’t go on like that.  It was awful!

Infertility was turning me into someone I didn’t like very much.  Now, I am trying to find a balance.  If someone asks me about having children or points out that I am getting a bit long in the tooth (thanks for noticing!), or how lucky I am that I don’t have any bratty kids, I am honest.  I don’t go into specifics, but I do say I have some fertility issues and children may not be a possibility for me.  However when people come to me with their own problems, I am keeping it about them.  I have always been a person that people would come to when they need to vent, and I want to continue being that person.  Of course I still have my moments of pity and I do stand up for myself more now than I used to, but I think that’s ok.  I’ve realized that although I’m powerless to my diagnosis, I do have power over my own actions.  Screw you infertility, although you are a complete asshole I don’t have to be one.

So to conclude – life is tough.  Instead of not enjoying good moments because of my condition, I am trying to enjoy the good moments EVEN MORE.  No one likes a one upper.  Especially not a bitchy one 😉

Back with a vengeance. Or just back:)

The-best-time-for-new-beginnings-is-nowSo.  Holy crap.  I haven’t written anything on this blog for a whopping 18 months.  Is that some kind of record?!  Well, it should be!  A part of me was just going to scrap this blog and start over fresh, but then I thought wait a second, I created this space so I could have a place to come with my thoughts, my rants, my failures, and my successes.  It was started honestly and it was also suspended honestly.  And, speaking honestly, I have a bit of trouble finishing what I start.  I am a very good starter, just not a very good follow through-er.  A teacher of mine once said having integrity is saying what you mean and following through on what you say.  So, here I am, picking up where I left off.  I don’t know if anyone will continue reading this, but hopefully you will.

So…..18 months.  548 days, give or take.  The last post I wrote was on November 6, 2014.  At that point my second IVF cycle had just been cancelled and we were taking a break.  Well, the break was fortuitous because in March 2015 during IVF cycle #3 I actually made it to retrieval, a first for me.  During that cycle 5 eggs were retrieved, and all 5 fertilized with ICSI.  Since I suffer with Diminished Ovarian Reserve, M and I were thrilled with these numbers!  3 fertilized eggs made it to Day 5, when we made the decision to have PDG testing performed.  1 embryo was deemed normal, and was frozen at that point.  That little precious embryo is still frozen in time today.

After that successful retrieval, M and I decided to try twice more, in June 2015 and September 2015.  Twice more our cycles were cancelled do to poor response to stims.  Our last attempt in September marked the end of trying to retrieve any more eggs from my reticent ovaries.  That part of our journey is now over.  It hit me very hard, actually.  Mentally I thought I was prepared for it, but when I got the call from my RE that she was cancelling the cycle, it was real and it was painful.  Throwing away calendars, lists, packing away unused medication, disposing of THREE sharps containers and seeing how the last year and a half of our lives had so revolved around our treatments was a harsh reality to face.  It was time for another break.

On October 30, 2015, M and I set off on another adventure because M PROPOSED!!  Yes, in case you have forgotten M and I are not married.  Long story short, we learned of my infertility after I got my AMH tested on a whim, and we had only been dating for about a year and a half.  Infertility took up a huge chunk of our lives from then on, and if it hadn’t been for my diagnosis and delving into the scary reproductive medicinal world, we probably already would be married.  But life deals us what it deems fit, so here we are.  Truthfully, it worked out perfectly.  If M had chosen to propose in the middle of any of our IVF attempts, of course I would have been ecstatic but also it would have been somewhat tempered by the enormity of the IVF process.  Once we closed the door on doing any more stimulation cycles, it felt very final.  Which was painful, don’t get me wrong.  But it felt like we were ready for a new chapter.  M decided to propose after we went to hear a radio broadcast of War of the Worlds, which was set in Grover’s Mill, NJ which just happens to be the next town over from where we live.  So this is a big deal for us, and all geeks 😉  It was about 11pm, I was in sweats and no makeup, ready for bed as that is pretty late for me (ha), and he just popped the question!  At first I thought it was just rhetorical, as we have discussed marriage often and he didn’t have a ring out.  But just as I said yes, of course I’ll marry you silly!, out came the ring!  I was like, oh wait a minute, this is for real?!  Yes, it was!  And it was just perfect.  Our wedding date is Friday, June 24 of this year.  We can’t wait.

So, back to our little precious embryo.  It is still frozen and waiting for us.  We are thinking of doing a transfer in September/October of this year.  It’s scary, since this will be our last chance at a child which is biologically both ours.  I don’t give two hoots about biology, but I do care that if we decide to try again with a donor egg, it is extremely expensive and will probably require a long wait while we acquire funds.  Maybe we will try a donor embryo?  I’m not quite sure.  A lot if riding on this one little embie, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on it (or us).  What will be, will be.

So, that’s where I’m at.  Other stuff has happened too.  I’ve become a certified children’s yoga instructor.  I finally earned my Associates’s Degree.  I’ve become more involved in yoga and fitness, which I hope to be able to incorporate into this blog.  I’ve faced some tough truths about myself, which I will also get into at a later date.  Oh yeah, and I’m getting MARRIED!!

Life is hard.  So I am trying to embrace the good when it happens.  I’m trying to have integrity by coming back to this blog, instead of just discarding it and starting new.  I’m a work in progress, but who isn’t?!

I look forward to catching up with some of the ladies I followed before my LONG hiatus.  And of course to making new friends and followers.  I’m thinking of starting an Instagram account as well.  Who am I?!

Peace and Love to all, xoxo

It has been a while…..

Hello fellow bloggers and friends.  It has been a long while since I’ve written.  To be honest I don’t really feel like writing now, but I am making myself because hopefully writing and catching up on all your stories will help to get out of the rut I am in.  Since my 2nd IVF round was cancelled in early September, I really haven’t been doing anything to try and conceive.  I thought taking this time would rejuvenate me and give me some time to focus on other things.  In some ways this has happened.  I am in the middle of taking two classes to finish up my degree and I also started a knitting project for M’s Christmas gift.  However it hasn’t been as easy as I was hoping (why would I even think that it would be?!).  I think this time away from actively trying to conceive has actually been more difficult because I don’t really have anything to do.  When I was going through all the testing, surgeries, shots, ultrasounds, etc., that didn’t leave much time to think.  It was pretty much a full year of activity.  Now there is just the let down of how all that time, money, and energy didn’t amount anything.  When I let myself wallow, it’s quite depressing really.  October came and went.  It was October 2013 when I found out the extent of my fertility problems and this entire roller coaster started.  I was fairly down for most of the month.

This afternoon I am going to see a psychologist.  I went once to therapy and it really wasn’t helpful.  I am going to try again today with another therapist.  I am nervous.  I am hoping maybe seeing her will help me deal with some anger issues that have always been there, but that have gotten progressively worse since trying (and failing) to conceive.

I told one more friend about my infertility.  She was supportive and only wishes I had told her sooner.  It felt good to tell someone, but at the same time it highlighted how little most people really know about fertility.  I myself didn’t know much about it until I was “lucky” enough to start on this journey (/sarcasm).  I am going to write a blog post soon about the pros and cons of telling vs. not telling in regards to infertility.  I would love to get some opinions on this.

This blog is sort of all over the place.  I don’t want to give the impression that I am in this horrible sad place.  I still do my best to remain positive and have been taking care of myself for the most part.  For most of last year I cut coffee out of my diet completely, although my RE and nurse told me this was not necessary.  Now I have been allowing myself to have one cup in the morning.  I also allow myself to have a glass of wine with dinner a few nights a week.  Growing up a first generation American with European parents, wine is a very normal part of our culture and I would drink one glass with dinner each night.  This was enjoyable for me, but I pretty much cut it out completely as well.  After doing research and again consulting with my doctor and nurse, I decided to add it back in a few nights a week.  Other than that, my diet remains the same; I’ve also still been taking my supplements and practicing yoga about 4 times a week, which I truly believe keeps me from slipping to a dark place.

In the middle of all this, my relationship with M remains very strong.  I am very happy and proud that we have each other.  This may be TMI, but we haven’t been having as much sex as we used to.  It’s not like we go an absurd amount of time without it, and I think our sex life is still healthy.  It’s just not as frequent as it once was.  Most nights, unfortunately I am just not in the mood.  We have talked about this because I don’t want us to start feeling disconnected from each other.  M is understanding and we are still extremely close and secure in our relationship.  I am so thankful for him.  M-centric blog post coming soon 🙂

If anyone is reading this, thanks for wading through all my ramblings.  It’s been a while, and I just wanted to poke my head out of the sand and say I am still here.  I am still trying.  I am still hopeful ❤

Another day, another cancelled IVF cycle

The title says it all, doesn’t it?  What I was fearing the most happened and unfortunately my second IVF cycle was cancelled, much like the first one due to a poor response.  Actually, this cycle was worse than the last one in that only one follicle was larger than 10, although I had ten follicles to start with.  They just didn’t grow.  This cycle I also added acupuncture to the mix along with quitting working out entirely and just resting.  There were the obligatory tears on cancellation day (last Wednesday) and some heavy moping for a couple days.  On Friday I went in for a follow up consultation with my RE that left M and me actually feeling much better.

We went over how the past two protocols didn’t seem to even rouse my scrambled eggs at all, and she made two professional suggestions – #1 try one more time with my own eggs on an Antagonist protocol, or/and #2 move on to donor eggs.  The past two cycles I have been on a Microflare protocol, which is typically used on women with DOR such as myself.  Cycle 1 I started on the protocol on CD3, and Cycle 2 I took BCP’s for two weeks and then started the protocol.  I’ve never tried Antagonist protocol.  Donor eggs have always been a consideration from the start of this journey, since I knew egg supply was so severely lacking.  Believe it or not, this consultation made me feel better because I was sure my RE was going to suggest not even trying again with my own eggs at all.  Hearing her say that we have one more protocol to try if we choose was reassuring to M and to me.  Obviously nothing is guaranteed, but at least there is hope.

Getting this information from my RE cemented the decision for us to try IVF one more time with my own eggs.  My RE is a very up front person and not one to sugar coat anything.  I like this because it makes me feel like I can trust her, and she will tell us the truth even if it’s difficult to hear (like at the beginning of this journey when I was literally in tears in her office, so shocked by my infertility news).  Sometimes it’s tough, but at the same time I would always rather know the reality of a situation, especially about something as important as my fertility.  We will try the Antagonist protocol, and keep our fingers crossed!  If we are not successful, we will most likely be making the decision to move on to donor eggs, but we will cross that bridge when (if) we get there.  I am not opposed to donor eggs, I just want to make sure I exhaust all possible options before we take that step.  I guess I mentally want to feel like I’ve done everything I can to conceive my own child with my own eggs, and then I can feel at peace about making other decisions.  I’m so grateful we will be able to have one more chance.

With that decision made, M and I have decided to take a short break from IVF for the next few months to enjoy the fall and the holidays.  I am also going back to school next month, I have 12 more credits to take in order to finish up my Associates Degree.  IVF has taken so much of our time, energy, and finances that I think we need a small break to regroup.  We plan to start our third and final cycle in late January/early February after I celebrate my (gasp) 35th birthday January 23.

I have to say I am actually looking forward to a little time off from actively TTC.  We are not going to be doing any charting as the chances we can conceive naturally are slim to none (besides my lovely issues we also have M’s male factor to contend with).  So we are just going to let the pieces fall where they may.  I am looking forward to getting some running in for the next month or so until the weather gets a little too cold for my taste, and M and I have signed up for a charity 5k in early October.  I am also excited to focus more on my relationship with M.  Thankfully, our relationship is stronger than ever, but we have been so focused on doctors and shots and ultimately disappointments that we have not had a lot of fun, silly time.  It will be nice to get back to that.

During this break I will continue to take my supplements, but after some consideration I do not think I will continue with acupuncture.  It’s very expensive and my insurance does not cover it.  In the research I’ve found through Dr. Google, it seems to state that acupuncture has been promising to infertility because of increased blood flow to the uterus, and also because of its relaxation benefits and stress reduction.  In talking to my RE she seemed to reiterate these findings, especially emphasizing the stress reducing benefits.  She said that anything I can do to reduce stress with be beneficial physically, in all areas.  I personally think my yoga and the occasional professional massage can help me with blood flow and stress, so I think I will be utilizing these two things in place of acupuncture.

Of course I will still be blogging as well!  Maybe now I can get to the sundry part of this blog and write about some other things that are important to me.  Scrambled eggs is a huge part of who I am right now, but it is not the only part!  I thinks it’s time to devote some time to the rest of me as well 🙂  As always, thanks for listening (reading) and for all the lovely comments I’ve received.  They help so much ❤

IVF Round 2 – In Progress

Fellow bloggers, I just wanted to say even though I am new to blogging I am really enjoying getting to read everyone’s stories and reading all the advice and love I receive in comments to my posts.  We each have our own stories and we all come from different places, but our desires are the same.  I’ve been humbled by some of the stories I’ve read, and I just wanted to say I am sending positive energy to all you beautiful ladies.  I am hooping we will all have our happy ending when the universe decides the time is right ❤

So…..onto today’s post!  IVF Cycle #2 – In Progress.  That’s what I see on my paperwork when I initial before getting my blood drawn.  Seeing it written down makes it so real.  I’m actually doing this.  I’m actually in the middle of it.  For some reason, it’s still surreal to me.  So after being put on birth control pills for two weeks I went in for blood work and an ultrasound last Wednesday.  Blood work looked good, and the ultrasound revealed 10 follicles, which was three more that I had last cycle.  I started taking stims that night.  I am on the same protocol as last cycle, with the exception that I took BCP’s for two weeks prior to starting this cycle.  My RE says this should help all the follicles grow at the same rate (hopefully).  Yesterday I went in for my first morning monitoring since starting this cycle and the doctor only saw 8 follicles, all still small.  I had some spotting since getting off BCP’s, so this may be why.  I was discouraged that there were only 8 follicles though, when last Wednesday he saw 10.  Blood work came back ok, estrogen is rising so I am due back this Wednesday for more morning monitoring.

This cycle I also decided to get back on the acupuncture train.  I tried it for about a month earlier this year, but it was right around the time I went in for my second consult with my RE and it really started to sink in that I had fertility problems.  I got discouraged and never went back.  This cycle I thought hey it can’t hurt and it may even help.  I met with a different acupuncturist who also happened to be an MD so I felt she could understood both sides of my treatment.  She did tell me it can take three months or more to see results in acupuncture, which is consistent to what I have read online.  I am not expecting miracles, but I have felt less stressed since starting her treatments.  Fertility treatments can be so draining, a little relaxation certainly can’t hurt!

So that’s where I’m at.  I need to ask you ladies – do you have any tips on how in the world to maintain a positive attitude???  I struggle with this so much!  For example, I was feeling positive when I went I started my cycle last Wednesday and they saw 10 follicles.  I was also feeling positive with the acupuncture treatments and feeling very relaxed.  But after going in yesterday and seeing two fewer follicles, all still small, I immediately got discouraged.  Later in the day, my nurse called and said my estrogen was rising, but not as much as they would like.  Another blow.  Just like that, the positivity was gone.  I know it affects M too, as he is a very positive person and always trying to look on the bright side.  He hates to see me get mopey and sad.  It’s just so difficult to remain hopeful, and when I am hopeful and then do not get the results I am hoping for, it’s just that much more disappointing.  I welcome any and all advice on this matter!

I am trying though.  Although the doctor’s appointment and blood work results were not the best, I still rallied and took a drive with M to the beach.  It was beautiful!  We ate lunch by the water and then took a walk on the beach and even laid out for a while. We treated ourselves to ice cream on the boardwalk before heading home.  It turned into a pretty good day.  I guess that is what I have to hold on to when I get disappointing news.  Even when I receive bad news, it is my choice whether I want to go home and pull the covers over my head, or if I want to go to the shore and walk in the sand and dip my feet in the ocean.  Yesterday I made what felt like the right choice for myself (see picture).  Tomorrow….we shall see 🙂

P.S.–on an unrelated note, when I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office yesterday a lady walked in that I went to high school with.  We attended an extremely large high school so I didn’t remember her name, but it was definitely her.  I am just beginning to learn this but it just goes to show that sometimes the infertility community is much larger than we think.