Back with a vengeance. Or just back:)

The-best-time-for-new-beginnings-is-nowSo.  Holy crap.  I haven’t written anything on this blog for a whopping 18 months.  Is that some kind of record?!  Well, it should be!  A part of me was just going to scrap this blog and start over fresh, but then I thought wait a second, I created this space so I could have a place to come with my thoughts, my rants, my failures, and my successes.  It was started honestly and it was also suspended honestly.  And, speaking honestly, I have a bit of trouble finishing what I start.  I am a very good starter, just not a very good follow through-er.  A teacher of mine once said having integrity is saying what you mean and following through on what you say.  So, here I am, picking up where I left off.  I don’t know if anyone will continue reading this, but hopefully you will.

So…..18 months.  548 days, give or take.  The last post I wrote was on November 6, 2014.  At that point my second IVF cycle had just been cancelled and we were taking a break.  Well, the break was fortuitous because in March 2015 during IVF cycle #3 I actually made it to retrieval, a first for me.  During that cycle 5 eggs were retrieved, and all 5 fertilized with ICSI.  Since I suffer with Diminished Ovarian Reserve, M and I were thrilled with these numbers!  3 fertilized eggs made it to Day 5, when we made the decision to have PDG testing performed.  1 embryo was deemed normal, and was frozen at that point.  That little precious embryo is still frozen in time today.

After that successful retrieval, M and I decided to try twice more, in June 2015 and September 2015.  Twice more our cycles were cancelled do to poor response to stims.  Our last attempt in September marked the end of trying to retrieve any more eggs from my reticent ovaries.  That part of our journey is now over.  It hit me very hard, actually.  Mentally I thought I was prepared for it, but when I got the call from my RE that she was cancelling the cycle, it was real and it was painful.  Throwing away calendars, lists, packing away unused medication, disposing of THREE sharps containers and seeing how the last year and a half of our lives had so revolved around our treatments was a harsh reality to face.  It was time for another break.

On October 30, 2015, M and I set off on another adventure because M PROPOSED!!  Yes, in case you have forgotten M and I are not married.  Long story short, we learned of my infertility after I got my AMH tested on a whim, and we had only been dating for about a year and a half.  Infertility took up a huge chunk of our lives from then on, and if it hadn’t been for my diagnosis and delving into the scary reproductive medicinal world, we probably already would be married.  But life deals us what it deems fit, so here we are.  Truthfully, it worked out perfectly.  If M had chosen to propose in the middle of any of our IVF attempts, of course I would have been ecstatic but also it would have been somewhat tempered by the enormity of the IVF process.  Once we closed the door on doing any more stimulation cycles, it felt very final.  Which was painful, don’t get me wrong.  But it felt like we were ready for a new chapter.  M decided to propose after we went to hear a radio broadcast of War of the Worlds, which was set in Grover’s Mill, NJ which just happens to be the next town over from where we live.  So this is a big deal for us, and all geeks 😉  It was about 11pm, I was in sweats and no makeup, ready for bed as that is pretty late for me (ha), and he just popped the question!  At first I thought it was just rhetorical, as we have discussed marriage often and he didn’t have a ring out.  But just as I said yes, of course I’ll marry you silly!, out came the ring!  I was like, oh wait a minute, this is for real?!  Yes, it was!  And it was just perfect.  Our wedding date is Friday, June 24 of this year.  We can’t wait.

So, back to our little precious embryo.  It is still frozen and waiting for us.  We are thinking of doing a transfer in September/October of this year.  It’s scary, since this will be our last chance at a child which is biologically both ours.  I don’t give two hoots about biology, but I do care that if we decide to try again with a donor egg, it is extremely expensive and will probably require a long wait while we acquire funds.  Maybe we will try a donor embryo?  I’m not quite sure.  A lot if riding on this one little embie, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on it (or us).  What will be, will be.

So, that’s where I’m at.  Other stuff has happened too.  I’ve become a certified children’s yoga instructor.  I finally earned my Associates’s Degree.  I’ve become more involved in yoga and fitness, which I hope to be able to incorporate into this blog.  I’ve faced some tough truths about myself, which I will also get into at a later date.  Oh yeah, and I’m getting MARRIED!!

Life is hard.  So I am trying to embrace the good when it happens.  I’m trying to have integrity by coming back to this blog, instead of just discarding it and starting new.  I’m a work in progress, but who isn’t?!

I look forward to catching up with some of the ladies I followed before my LONG hiatus.  And of course to making new friends and followers.  I’m thinking of starting an Instagram account as well.  Who am I?!

Peace and Love to all, xoxo

It has been a while…..

Hello fellow bloggers and friends.  It has been a long while since I’ve written.  To be honest I don’t really feel like writing now, but I am making myself because hopefully writing and catching up on all your stories will help to get out of the rut I am in.  Since my 2nd IVF round was cancelled in early September, I really haven’t been doing anything to try and conceive.  I thought taking this time would rejuvenate me and give me some time to focus on other things.  In some ways this has happened.  I am in the middle of taking two classes to finish up my degree and I also started a knitting project for M’s Christmas gift.  However it hasn’t been as easy as I was hoping (why would I even think that it would be?!).  I think this time away from actively trying to conceive has actually been more difficult because I don’t really have anything to do.  When I was going through all the testing, surgeries, shots, ultrasounds, etc., that didn’t leave much time to think.  It was pretty much a full year of activity.  Now there is just the let down of how all that time, money, and energy didn’t amount anything.  When I let myself wallow, it’s quite depressing really.  October came and went.  It was October 2013 when I found out the extent of my fertility problems and this entire roller coaster started.  I was fairly down for most of the month.

This afternoon I am going to see a psychologist.  I went once to therapy and it really wasn’t helpful.  I am going to try again today with another therapist.  I am nervous.  I am hoping maybe seeing her will help me deal with some anger issues that have always been there, but that have gotten progressively worse since trying (and failing) to conceive.

I told one more friend about my infertility.  She was supportive and only wishes I had told her sooner.  It felt good to tell someone, but at the same time it highlighted how little most people really know about fertility.  I myself didn’t know much about it until I was “lucky” enough to start on this journey (/sarcasm).  I am going to write a blog post soon about the pros and cons of telling vs. not telling in regards to infertility.  I would love to get some opinions on this.

This blog is sort of all over the place.  I don’t want to give the impression that I am in this horrible sad place.  I still do my best to remain positive and have been taking care of myself for the most part.  For most of last year I cut coffee out of my diet completely, although my RE and nurse told me this was not necessary.  Now I have been allowing myself to have one cup in the morning.  I also allow myself to have a glass of wine with dinner a few nights a week.  Growing up a first generation American with European parents, wine is a very normal part of our culture and I would drink one glass with dinner each night.  This was enjoyable for me, but I pretty much cut it out completely as well.  After doing research and again consulting with my doctor and nurse, I decided to add it back in a few nights a week.  Other than that, my diet remains the same; I’ve also still been taking my supplements and practicing yoga about 4 times a week, which I truly believe keeps me from slipping to a dark place.

In the middle of all this, my relationship with M remains very strong.  I am very happy and proud that we have each other.  This may be TMI, but we haven’t been having as much sex as we used to.  It’s not like we go an absurd amount of time without it, and I think our sex life is still healthy.  It’s just not as frequent as it once was.  Most nights, unfortunately I am just not in the mood.  We have talked about this because I don’t want us to start feeling disconnected from each other.  M is understanding and we are still extremely close and secure in our relationship.  I am so thankful for him.  M-centric blog post coming soon 🙂

If anyone is reading this, thanks for wading through all my ramblings.  It’s been a while, and I just wanted to poke my head out of the sand and say I am still here.  I am still trying.  I am still hopeful ❤