Thoughts on giving up social media for one week.

goodbyefacebookteaser-100336171-origI am a bit of a Facebook addict.  I don’t spend hours on end scrolling, nor do I post a whole heck of a lot.  However I do randomly check Facebook several times a day.  If I’m feeling overwhelmed at work, sitting in a long line of traffic, brushing my teeth (see, I told you it’s embarrassing).  I was actually one of the last of my friends to even get a Facebook account, but now it has gotten to a point where I honestly can’t remember the last time I went a complete day without checking social media (for me that means Facebook and Instagram).  So, what better time than now to conduct an experiment!  Let’s forget about a day, I went all in and did a full week’s worth of unplugging.  Here’s what happened!

Day 1:  Full disclosure – I technically already failed.  I wrote a blog post and wanted to share it with my infertility group on Facebook.  I logged in to post the blog and logged off immediately.  I didn’t like anything, I didn’t comment on anything.  I may have sneaked a peak at my notifications and MAYBE done half a scroll or so on the old mouse.  I also deactivated my account for the week.  I didn’t want to make some big proclamation about leaving Facebook, but I also didn’t want people to think I’m just ignoring them if they are trying to get in touch.  I’m still counting this day as Day 1.

Mood & Musings:

  • I definitely felt the pangs separation anxiety.  It was a bit unsettling how often social media was on my mind.  I felt anxious about what I was missing.
  • I read a couple articles online about giving up social media.  Turns out there are actual studies that have been conducted that show people who are not on social media are happier, less lonely and more focused than those of us who are.  I didn’t feel much happier yet, but I definitely looked forward to it!
  • Told M about my little experiment and he decided he wanted to join in as well.
  • It seems Day 1 was spent filling the void of social media with other internet based goings on.  Hmm.

Day 2:

Mood & Musings:

  • Day 2 was a big day because M and I put an offer down on a new house, and we traveled to Connecticut to spend the weekend with M’s brother, sister in law, and their 9 month old baby boy.  I didn’t really think about social media much at all.
  • Instead of mindlessly scrolling, I talked to M during most of the car ride (I’m not sure he would consider this a positive!).
  • I started a new book to fill my time.
  • I think this experiment is harder for M than for me because I have all notification turned off for my apps, and he doesn’t.  He kept commenting throughout the day that he was getting notifications and really wanted to look at them.  He didn’t, at least not that I know of 😉

Day 3:

Mood & Musings:

  • Spent the day with my sister in law while M went to play golf with his brother.  We talked about fertility stuff – she had two miscarriages before having her son and they are getting ready to try again soon.  She’s over 40 so unfortunately the clock is ticking.  Talking about my DOR and our future transfer always brings tears at some point.  I rebounded though and overall the day was fun.  Didn’t think about social media at all until I remembered some of my girlfriends were getting together that night and wondered how that was going.  It’s weird not knowing what is going on at all times!
  • Side note:  is a blog considered social media??  This thought popped into my head on Day 3.  I guess it is.  For me social media refers to outlets like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.  This blog is sort of an online diary so I think it’s still in it’s own separate category in my mind.

Day 4:

Mood & Musings:

  • Full disclosure again – out of sheer habit, I clicked on the Instagram app on my phone.  I looked at one picture and clicked on one hashtag before I realized “This is social media!!” and dropped my phone like a hot potato.
  • I still wasn’t feeling any happier.  Started thinking that happiness study might be crap.
  • We put a counter offer in on a house we liked.  Fingers crossed!

Day 5:

Mood & Musings:

  • Woke up this morning and had an email from our realtor – our house offer was accepted!  We are homeowners!  Yippee!!
  • My work day was so productive without taking random breaks to check Facebook.
  • I almost felt like I was living this secret life that no one knows about. I was definitely starting to dig it.

Day 6:

Mood & Musings:

  • Not looking at Facebook means I didn’t have to concern myself with what everyone else was doing, nor with their opinions of what I was doing.  I don’t have to spend time deciding on what to post, what not to post, perfecting pictures before uploading, etc.  It’s refreshing.  I’m just doing my thing and living my life.  What a concept!

Day 7:

Mood & Musings:

  • It’s over already??  I was almost anxious about emerging from my social media free cocoon today.  How funny that just a few days ago I was anxious about living without Facebook and now I was anxious for the complete opposite reason.
  • Over the last two days I actually started really enjoying being disconnected from my Facebook “friends” and Instagram “followers”.  Friends and Followers.  It sounds so strange when said in that way.  None of those people are my followers, and some I wouldn’t even consider friends since I haven’t seen them since high school.
  • Should I cancel my account all together?  Leave it deactivated and just pop in every now and then?  Should I let people know I am doing this, or is that pretentious?
  • Once again I was struck with how good it feels that no one knows what I am doing and I don’t know what they are doing and somehow we are all surviving!

Overall Thoughts

I have realized I really like my little life and I’m actually feeling a bit protective of it today.  I’m not sure I want to give up my precious time and be sucked right back in to mindless scrolling.  I don’t know if I want to open myself up to being affected by people’s words (especially parents complaining about their children!!).  I have come to realize that other people’s thoughts and opinions shared on social media truly did affect and drain me, even if is was on a subconscious level.

Overall I wouldn’t say I feel happier, but I do feel calmer.  I feel like I can formulate my own thoughts without the chatter of everyone’s opinions.  I definitely feel more productive and have more downtime.  The word that keeps popping into my head is space.  Space to think.  Space to breathe.  Space to be present.

I’m not sure what my social media habits will look like after today.  I still haven’t logged into anything.  I still want to be able to connect with my fertility group and with others sparingly, but I will definitely be more mindful about it.  Who knows, this may become a permanent thing.  (I will still be writing my blog and checking in with other bloggers though.  Let’s not get crazy. 😉 )

Thoughts for National Infertility Awareness Week


I can’t believe it’s been two and a half years since I was officially diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  30 months of living with it.  When I think back to that time in October of 2013, sometimes I just laugh and miss how innocent I was.  Like I said in my last post, I didn’t know anything about infertility.  I was like the people who drive me crazy today – optimistic, ignorant, diminishing, naive.  National Infertility Awareness Week is an awesome platform because in this community that is exactly what we are missing the most – Awareness.

I can go on Social Media and find out what people are eating for breakfast, or what products they use to clean their bathrooms, or what deodorant they are currently sampling (true story.).  We are living in a society that overshares, I get it.  Heck, obviously I even participate in it (sans deodorant stories).  However, when it comes to infertility, I have come to realize it makes some people very uncomfortable.  It’s still some sort of taboo to talk about, and it’s absurd.  Maybe it’s because people feel badly and don’t know what to say.  Maybe it’s because they have popped out four kids in as many years and this is a problem that never even crossed their minds.  But maybe they are just like I was – blissfully ignorant.  I think my false sense of security stemmed from seeing so many older people having children and all the success stories I heard.  I never gave it a second thought that maybe these women getting pregnant at 47 were using donor eggs, or maybe they had frozen their eggs 10 years ago and were finally experiencing a successful transfer.  Maybe they had spent thousands of dollars and suffered terrible losses.  We don’t see that side of things.  We only see the successes.  And the blissful ignorance for me came from not yet knowing that behind all those amazing successes were many, many heartbreaking failures.  This is the reality we don’t see.  This is where we really have the need for awareness.  Not pity, not false optimism.  Just awareness.  From there, maybe some acknowledgement and empathy could emerge.

I know we all have a list for how our lives changed in not so positive ways since infertility.  I dedicated an entire post last week on how it turned me into a raging one upping pity monster.  On some days, I am still that person and I think that’s perfectly allowed!  But today I think I just want to make a brief list of ways infertility has unexpectedly benefited my life.  I would like to think I would have been evolved enough to learn these lessons in a less cruel way, but that is out of my control.  Anyway, here it is:

  1. I learned about my infertility in a very random way.  I hadn’t even been trying to conceive at that point.  I take this as a positive because if I hadn’t found out my diagnosis when I did, when I finally did learn about it two, three years later it would have been after trying (and failing) to conceive naturally and far too late to even have a chance at a biological child.  As it is, I have one chance, my little frozen embryo.
  2. Selfish moments notwithstanding, infertility has made me more compassionate and understanding.  It’s made me realize that outwardly a person may look like a million bucks, but no one really knows what is going on in that person’s body, heart, and mind.  On the contrary, I’ve found often it’s the people that complain the least that have the most to deal with.  We are all fighting our own battles.
  3. Infertility is such a shit show.  Life in general is just so tough.  So now, when a moment is good, I try to embrace it and enjoy it.  It may not last very long, and it will most certainly change.  This is something I struggle with, but I’m working on it.
  4. I’m mindful.  I really try to be self aware and feel whatever I’m feeling, be it good or bad.  Sometimes, this had lead to facing some harsh realizations about myself, and others.  Sometimes I don’t really know what to do with my feeling or emotions, or I feel ashamed of them.  But at least I acknowledge them.  That’s a step.
  5. I’ve become a lot more interested in physical fitness and wellness in general.  A recent hobby of mine is “rehabbing” recipes.  Instead of just baking cookies I will look for a “healthy” cookie recipe that doesn’t require butter and sugar, or instead of eating pasta I will substitute zucchini noodles or spaghetti squash.  It’s actually been fun and believe it or not some of my rehabbed recipes are even easier to make than the originals and taste fabulous!
  6. Probably the best thing that has come out of my infertility diagnosis and the one thing I would never give up is my unbelievably strong bond with M.  Since being diagnosed up to now, M and I have officially moved in together, gotten engaged, and are getting married in June.  Infertility pretty much took over our lives, but through it all he has been a source of strength, positivity, and light around me.  I think about previous relationships I had and what would happen if I had to endure infertility with those partners, and very flatly it wouldn’t have worked out.  In the past, my relationships were very adversarial; we always seemed to be on opposing sides for some reason.  With M, I truly feel we are a team.  We love each other, we respect each other and we are each other’s biggest fan.  Our relationship has changed, but it is just as strong as ever.

So yeah.  I’m one in eight.  This is what infertility looks like.  It’s not always pretty, it’s not always good.  It’s not for the weak.  To all my infertility sisters, all I can say is that you are all bad asses!  You are all strong, beautiful women in all your messy, angry, heartbreaking, happy, caring, selfish, INSPIRING glory.  I am proud to stand with you.  I am proud to fight with you and for you.  You all rock!

Why did you have those kids again??

So this my be viewed as a pretty negative post, but I am trying to use this blog to release my pent up feelings, negative or otherwise.  So here goes.

Parents complain a lot.  They complain about how little sleep they get.  They complain they don’t get alone time with their partners.  They complain that their kids are ALWAYS AROUND, and they can’t wait to have a “kid free” night.  Rationally I know this is normal.  However I am at a point that I need to protect my heart, and my heart is wounded when parents tell me I am so lucky to not have kids, or to not have kids because they are a pain in the ass.  Granted, they do not know my situation, but it’s still a fucking rude thing to say.  It makes me want to turn around to them and say if you hate kids so much, then why did you have so damn many of them?

This happens a lot with M’s friends.  M is from the Midwest which in his case means his friends all married pretty young and all have multiple children.  Growing up in the Northeast my whole life, my friends are pretty much like me (minus infertility).  Most are single, newly married, or divorced.  Most are childless, and the few friends that do have children have at maximum two.  Because of this, and especially now with my fertility diagnosis (side question #1–is it fertility issues or infertility issues?  I never know which phrase to use!), I do not have much in common with M’s friends.  They talk about their children all the time, and they complain about their children CONSTANTLY.  Again, it’s the complaining that really bugs me, especially now.  Luckily, M was able to find a job here in Jersey, but there was a point when we were considering moving to the Midwest and this was my biggest concern.  I have held my tongue on the few occasions we have all been together, but if I was living there full time I knew there would come a point I would snap.

Here in the Northeast this week is back to school week.  So now, not only do I have to be constantly confronted on Facebook with peers posting pictures of their newborn babies, pregnant bellies, toddlers doing toddler things, but I have to read about parents who just can’t effin WAIT for their kids to be back in school and out of their hair.  Really parents!?  Once again I know this is probably a normal parental reaction.  But for someone like me who would love nothing more than to have an annoying kid underfoot all summer long, it’s just plain ungrateful. Side question #2 – how do you handle social media?  Does it bug you?  I have thought of deleting my Facebook altogether, but I use it to keep in touch with relatives and friends that live overseas and in different states.  What are your thoughts on this?

I said in a previous post that this journey has made me both more patient and less understanding.  In a lot of ways, it has made me grateful for the things I do have.  It has also made me more patient when people act rude or standoffish.   In the back of my mind I realize maybe they are going through something, just as I am.  So I cut them some slack.  But on the other hand, I have less patience or tolerance when people make ridiculous comments, especially about children.  Recently a girlfriend of mine who had her first child in the spring was complaining to me about how her daughter doesn’t sleep through the night, she’s exhausted, and she and her husband have not slept in the same bed in a year.  Now this is the one and only person to whom I’ve told my entire story.  This is also a person who completely lost her mind because it took her a whopping 5 months to get pregnant.  Being that she actually knows my situation, I flat out told her that her complaints are valid, but please discuss them with her mommy friends, as I don’t feel sorry for her.  Her daughters baptism is on Sunday, and while M and I will be going to the church ceremony, we will not be attending the reception.  She completely understood, and I made sure to tell her I was not attending not because there would be multiple children there, but because I am really growing to dislike parents and their constant complaining.

I have come to the decision that if someone else tells me how lucky I am to not have children or starts to complain about their own situation, I am just going to politely say that we should all be grateful for the things we have in life, because everyone is fighting their own battles.  I’m not perfect.  I know if and when I have children I will also experience no sleep, crying babies at all hours, messy home, no free time, etc.  I know I will feel overwhelmed.  However I will have the ability to look back on all that I went through to have my child.  And that will make me so very grateful, no matter how messy my house is or if I can’t take a shower for two days.  I guess you could say at this point I would welcome all the complaining with open arms.

The last point I would like to make is one that I have wanted to say often, but never have–Everyone in this world has problems, including single or childless people.  It is just not socially acceptable to constantly complain about our problems like it is for parents.

Thanks for reading this rambling post.  It’s a bit harsh, but what can I say – this struggle we are going through is tough.  If we don’t protect our hearts, no one else will.

The wonderful land of health insurance

So let’s talk about money.  Specifically, how effin much of it we need to even be able to attempt fertility treatment.  There’s blood work, scans, surgeries, medications, and on and on.  When all is said and done, a person can be looking at being thousands of dollars in the hole even before they conceive a child, who will then also be expensive.  And that’s the positive scenario!  The less positive scenario is that after spending a small fortune you may end up in the same exact place you started – childless.

I have insurance, which I get from my company and I pay into.  This is great and has been put to good use in the past.  Last year I had a preventative colonoscopy since my mother is a colon cancer survivor.  The bill was over $6k, but because of insurance I only had to pay around $350.  Sweet.  Then infertility strikes.  In researching costs, I come across a NJ state law that mandates insurance companies to cover three rounds of IVF treatment.  This is awesome!  So I thought.  Turns out, this law is not only very obscure, there are a ton of loopholes.  Of course, my company through which I obtained my insurance fell into one of those.  You see, if a company has less than 50 people and is considered a small business, they can opt out of this insurance coverage for their employees.  Similarly, if a company is self-insured, as most large companies are, they can also opt out.  My company falls in the latter category.  So basically if you are a small business or a big business you do not have to comply with this state mandate and do not have to provide infertility insurance coverage for your employees.  That doesn’t leave too many other businesses, does it?  It actually seems that the majority of companies fall into one of these two categories (big or small), so I’m pretty sure there are not too many companies providing infertility coverage compliant with the law.  FRUSTRATING!

Let’s go back to before I knew any of this.  I was psyched!  I thought I would be covered under the law.  So when I check my insurance coverage online and look under IVF, there were the dreaded words in all capital letters – NOT COVERED.  How could this be?  So I called my member benefits representative and ended up calling the insurance company as well.  Not only did they not know why this benefit was not covered, they had never even heard of this law!  In other words they were useless, and were also rude and dismissive in the process.  I pretty much found all the above information out myself.

Another thing that really irks me about my insurance coverage is that they pay for all diagnostic testing (infertility or otherwise), but now that I have been actually diagnosed I’m on my own.  I’m glad I had all my pre-IVF procedures covered of course, as I know there are many people who do not even get that.  But it’s kind of a slap in the face.  It’s like ok, now we know what’s wrong with you!  But now eff you now we won’t help you anymore!  Haha!  You suck!  Not to mention they cover pregnancy and child care, but how am I supposed to take advantage of that when I can’ t get pregnant in the first place?

Since we were told by my RE that IVF is our best bet, we decided to go through with it.  Unfortunately we did not have thousands of dollars just lying around, so we are participating in the Attain IVF program.  This program you pay for multiple rounds of IVF and receive a discounted cost.  We also had to finance this, thankfully that was available to us.  So this program covers most of the costs of IVF, with exception to medications that we have been paying out of pocket.  Our package includes 2 fresh IVF cycles and 2 frozen.  Unfortunately our first cycle was cancelled, but that still counts as one cycle.  We are starting our second cycle in about a week.  The “good” thing about this program is if this second cycle is cancelled as well we can withdraw from the program and get the balance of our money back.  That is the only comforting thought I can think of if this next cycle fails.  At least we won’t have to rub salt in the wound by having to pay installments every month on a treatment that we didn’t even get to try (the retrieval and transfer process).  I went in for my day 3 blood work yesterday morning and things were not looking great, so cancellation is a real possibility.  I’ll get into that in the next blog.

All this just brings me back to my original point that fertility treatments are crazy expensive.  I am so thankful I live in a time where these procedures are available to me, and now with programs such as Attain IVF and more financing options these procedures are more readily available to regular, middle class people.  But it’s still not easy.  It just adds one more stress on top of an already stressful and draining situation.  I am thankful to all the people working to try and change laws and create laws such as the one in place here in NJ.  Loopholes and all, at least it’s s being addressed.  Next step is to close these loopholes, and there is still a long way to go though.

Sending peace and love to all my fellow bloggers, I think we can all use some.



IVF #1: Cancelled cycle – cue the waterworks!

I hope all my fellow bloggers had a beautiful and restful weekend!  My weekend was BUSY, as M and I are officially living together now!  We have been living together for a while, but the last of his stuff was finally shipped from the Midwest to good old Dirty Jersey, so now it’s official.  Making room for another person in a formerly one person apartment has taken some creativity, but I am loving every minute.  Being with M makes me feel like we can accomplish and get through anything as long as we are together.  I’m blessed.

So, onto the not so good news….my first attempt at IVF was a complete and utter bust.  No retrieval, no transfer, no frozen embies, no eggs at all, scrambled or otherwise.  My cycle was cancelled.  This was not totally unexpected.  My RE had warned me that patients with poor ovarian reserve are also usually poor responders to stimulation drugs.  So while a woman with a normal ovarian reserve may stimulate 15-20 follicles (or more), I would be lucky to get 4-5.  This is when she brought up donor eggs, however based on my age, we all decided we wanted to try with my own eggs first.  On day three of my cycle the always lovely morning monitoring appointment revealed about 7 small follicles.  I was put on 20 units of microdose Lupron twice a day, 15 units of low dose HCG once a day, and 450 units of Follistim once a day.  That’s a grand total of four injections daily!  So I got started and just prayed and hoped for all 7 to grow, or at least 4, which was the fewest amount of follicles I needed to proceed to retrieval.  In a way I felt happy about finally being able to start the stim meds.  I felt like I was actually doing something!  After so many months of tests, surgery, and false starts, it was finally actually happening!

Truthfully the injections were very easy for me.  All my injections were subcutaneous, or just below the skin.  I did not have to take any inter muscular injections so this made the process easier.  Although I gave myself all the shots, M was always there with me supporting me any way he could.  He liked to tap air bubbles out of the syringe (lol).  I started to get a few small bruises after a few days but nothing terrible.  I have to say the physical side of these injections was not horrible.  The financial and emotional burdens are much tougher to take.

Three days into injections (cycle day 6) I went back to the RE’s office for more bloodwork and ultrasound.  BW came back fine and ultrasound saw some small growth but not much.  I was told this was normal for this stage so I tried not to worry.  Two days later (CD 8) and four days later (CD 10) the results were more discouraging.  Once follicle was growing steadily and there was another that was also growing but not as fast.  All the rest had not grown at all.  It was on CD 10 that the decision was made to cancel the cycle.  The next day I tool an Ovidrel shot (again subcutaneously thank goodness).  I estimated I ovulated on CD 13-14.  My nurse told me to still try naturally at this point as you never know.  So we did, but yesterday I got my period so that was a bust as well.

So the last couple weeks have basically been dealing with the emotional aftermath of the failed cycle.  There were some tears of course.  Even though I knew my chances were slim, of course I still had hope.  The worst part of it is seeing M disappointed.  I just feel like I’m letting him down.  I feel like we have an especially difficult situation to deal with.  Although I have a low ovarian reserve, I do still ovulate and it is conceivable (pun intended) that I could get pregnant naturally.  However when M did his semen analysis it showed he only has 2% motility and poor morphology as well.  So the chances of him getting me pregnant naturally are very slim.  M is a great candidate for IVF with ICSI.  But that’s a problem too because I am a poor responder to stims, so we may never even get to that stage.  I just feel like everywhere we turn we are behind the eight ball.  It’s frustrating.  And of course we are not millionaires so the number of chances we have to try are limited.

So now after a couple weeks of down time, I am gearing up for IVF #2.  In speaking to my nurse and RE, they seem to think my one follicle was absorbing all the medication, which is why it grew so fast.  I am going to be taking the same medication this cycle, but the dosages will be a little different and I am also being put on BCP’s starting tomorrow (CD 3).  If you are so inclined, please say a little prayer for me or send some positive thoughts into the universe that this cycle will be more successful than my last.  If it is not successful we are planning to take an IVF break until January when we will attempt our third and final IVF cycle.

To be continued…….

My Scrambled Story

So here is where I share my infertility story and how it started.  Full disclosure – my journey up to now has not encompassed years and years of trying to conceive naturally.  In fact, when I found out my diagnosis I was not trying to conceive AT ALL.  Which is one of the reasons this whole experience has been so surreal.  I just want to say I understand if people are turned away from my story because I have not been suffering with this for years.  I get that.  I also have done this to people who are in different predicaments than I.  Rationally I know everyone has their own story and I shouldn’t judge or dismiss them, but what can I say, I’m human.  Hopefully blogging about these thoughts will help me (I judge a lot of people.  That will be another blog).  This whole experience has made me both more empathetic and also less understanding all at the same time.  Bottom line is I understand if you do not understand!

Anyway, on October 18, 2013 I was diagnosed with extremely low AMH, which means I have a very low egg reserve for a woman of my age.  What this means is that I don’t have a lot of eggs left, if any, and if I want to conceive a child of my own I need to start now and will most likely need the help of fertility drugs.  Now let me put this into context – I decided mostly on a lark to have this test run at my gynecologist.  I heard about this test on the show “Keeping up with the Kardashians” of all places and decided to just have it run and see how those little eggs were doing.  I honestly was expecting a normal result and didn’t worry about it one bit.  So to say the least it was a shock to find out not only did I have less eggs than is normal for a woman my age, my eggs were virtually UNDETECTABLE and more akin to those of a 45 year old.  I was stunned (still am truthfully).  I am a relatively healthy woman, never had any serious medical conditions, get my period every single month and have very regular cycles.  I exercise, try and eat right and try to lead a healthy lifestyle.  How could this happen??  Well, I still don’t have an answer to that and I probably never will, but here I am nonetheless.

At the time of diagnosis M and I had been together for approximately 15 months.  He came with me to the RE.  The doctor was a fast talker and gave us much information that left our heads spinning.  She told us we should start the IVF process as soon as possible if we wanted the best possible chance to conceive a child.  We took this news in and that night decided to stop using protection, something we had never once done since we started dating.  Not wanting to completely jump the gun, we gave ourselves 6 months to try.  4 months passed, nothing happened.  In February 2014 I decided to see an acupuncturist, who ironically was pregnant herself.  I started seeing her once a week in addition to taking some Chinese herbs twice a day that she says will promote fertility.  I was feeling pretty good about this but the month came and went and still no pregnancy.  She did tell me results would take 3 to 6 months.  I am not the best when it comes to patience.

In April 2014 I found myself back in RE’s office.  Once again M accompanied me (more on him later).  She again told me the same thing, the chances of conceiving on my own are virtually none, and IVF is the best option, although obviously nothing is a guarantee.  She even suggested using donor eggs since mine are apparently so flimsy.  I was again overwhelmed and yes a few tears were shed.  I felt defeated, and any positivity I was feeling from the acupuncture treatments drained right out of me.  I was shuffled in a haze from her office to my nurse’s office, who set up an appointment to get a semen analysis for M and further testing for me, which included but was not limited to an HSG test that hurt like a mf-er.

My HSG came back clear so my tubes aren’t blocked.  However one week after that procedure my RE wanted to perform a saline sonogram because the radiologist said it seemed as though I had a bicornuate uterus (heart-shaped).  Two good things – the saline sonogram was not nearly as painful as the HSG and it seemed I may only have a slight bicornuate or possibly none at all.  Of course, nothing is simple and she did see something in the uterus, a polyp, cyst – she wasn’t sure.  So now I needed to be booked for a hysteroscopy which happened about a month later, June 8.  The good thing about this procedure it I was completely under anesthesia and didn’t feel a thing, during or after.  The crazy thing was that my doctor found that little blip on the sonogram was not a polyp, but a septum that ran the entire length of my uterus!  I am thankful this procedure was done, as if I had somehow gotten pregnant naturally there was a chance I would have miscarried since my uterus was essentially half the size it should be because of the septum.

Meanwhile, M’s SA came back and showed that he had both low morphology and motility.  Again in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say I was kind of happy about this news.  Happy may not be the right word, but at least I could say that the problem wasn’t just me.  Either way, it seemed we were both striking out at every turn.

With my shabby & scrambled eggs and M’s misshapen & lazy sperm, we made the decision that we would go forward with IVF.  Now as anyone who has ever made this decision knows, surprise!–it is not easy.  The financial burden was a consideration (more on insurance, big corporations, and how both are f’ed up in a subsequent blog).  Also the emotional toll.  In addition to that, M and I are not married. We are not even engaged.  Neither of these things bother us, as we know both will happen in the future.  We know we would like to have children someday.  We just thought it would be in two, three years, not now.  And not this way.  So we researched and we asked questions and we had frank conversations.  I prayed and meditated about it.  We figured this may be our best chance.  If by some miracle we get pregnant naturally in a few years than great!  We’ll take it!  But we don’t want to pin all our hopes on that chance.  IVF is not a guarantee, which we have had the privilege of discovering first hand, but at least it’s SOMETHING.

Fast forward to one cancelled IVF cycle later, here I am.  I know it’s cliche but this has all been very unexpected, confusing, sad, anxiety promoting, and many other superlatives.  I mean M and I weren’t even planning on THINKING about having children right now.  I know I am not in my twenties anymore, but I still thought I would have time.  So I went from being momentarily child free and happy to starting IVF procedures within a 10 month span.  I feel like my life just changed and I am just trying to keep up.  So that’s my scrambled story.

Obligatory first post.

Hello fellow bloggers!  This is my very first post on my very first blog (bear with me).  I decided to start this blog because, well, just read the blog title!  The scrambled eggs in question are mine and the sundry is all the other parts of my life that do not involve the scrambled eggs.  Let me start at the beginning. Last October (2013) I was hit with a pretty hard blow of finding out that I have the eggs of someone at least 10 years older than me (If you know nothing about fertility, just suffice to say this is not good.).  Since then my love M and I have been tossed into the world of doctors appointments, scans, blood work, surgery, needles, and the occasional trip to a back room in the RE’s office to sit on a pee pad and watch porn.  M has really only been subjected to the latter of those things, all the others were basically me.

I will go into more details in a later blog (maybe blog #2?).  But for now this whole infertile world is just weird for me.  It’s extremely time consuming and unexpected.  It also brings out a lot of jealousy and ugliness in me which I don’t really feel badly about but I do know it’s not healthy, nor does it solve anything.  So I thought I would write.  So that’s the scrambled eggs part.

Now here is the sundry part!   I am a 34 year old Jersey girl.  I work in engineering at a public utility company.  I like my job.  I am in the process of obtaining my Associates Degree in 6 months and after would like to pursue my Bachelors Degree.  I am a late bloomer in the education department, but it will get done.  I love yoga!  It is my passion and I would love to teach someday.  This will have to be a part of the 5 year plan, maybe 8-10 year plan.  But I will do it.  I love to volunteer, especially with domestic violence organizations.  I love reading  murder/mystery books and watching true crime TV shows.  I also love self help books and quotes about peace, love, yoga, etc.  What can I say, I am a pretty interesting chick.

My 8 year old Shi Tzu and M are the most important people/fur baby in my life.  Everything else takes a back seat to them.  But I also have some pretty kick ass friends.  I am not close to my fam, but my friends are the family I have chosen, and they have chosen me.

So this is me.  I hope someone reads this.  If not, I will keep rambling and maybe someday someone will.  I am just a regular person doing my best and trying to figure it all out.