2016 we are breaking up….

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Don’t get me wrong, I have to admit 2016 was a pretty awesome year.  I got to plan the wedding I never knew I always wanted, I married my soul mate, and we bought a cute little house that we are now making our home.  M and I got to enjoy just being a regular couple.  However, 2016 has become like this comfortable relationship that I just dread leaving, but I know I must move on!

I feel like this year was the calm AFTER the storm.  We had so much heartache in 2014 and 2015 with our infertility, 2016 was like this peaceful oasis.  So now that it is at a close, it’s making me a little nervous.  We still have our one little embryo frozen since 2015.  We really need to settle on a time to schedule the transfer, but I have been dragging my feet.  I’ve said it before, but this is our last chance to have a biological child and right now that tiny sliver of hope is still alive.  Once we complete the transfer it will become REAL.  And all hope will be gained or lost.  Now I also have to reiterate I don’t care about biology.  My own relationship with my biological family is pretty strained with most members, so it’s not important to me.  It’s just that if this doesn’t work, we will be starting again at square one, and that’s what is scary.  It’s just like making the decision to end a relationship or stay with it – it may not be the best but it’s comfortable and starting all over is such a PAIN!!

With all of this one thing is still sure – I still want to be a mom.  Probably even more than that, lately I really want M to be a dad!  He is so patient, mindful, and just a big kid himself!  I would love for him to have the chance at being a parent.  So we will not give up, and we will have to bite the bullet and transfer sometime soon.  Now we just have to figure out when….

2016 has also been a big year of growth and learning new things.  The two years prior were so filled with infertility related goings-on that there was not much time left for anything else.  This year I finally went back to school by taking a few classes, I got much more into cooking and recipe rehabbing, I learned I liked to decorate and have been doing so in my new house, and most recently – and this is supper exciting – I have started learning about and purchasing essential oils!  I have used essential oils sporadically for the past few years, mainly just for yoga purposes or to get to sleep.  A few weeks ago I took the plunge and bought a whole starter kit from Young Living Essential Oils.  Well I have been obsessed ever since!  I am still a newborn and have only used a couple oils so far, but I will be writing about my experiences soon!  (side note:  if anyone has any experiences or suggestions in this area I would love to hear them)

I have also attempted to reorganize my blog, although that has been less than successful.  I am trying to venture into other topics other than fertility, but it’s been a bit challenging to convey that.  I would essentially like to have a static front page and then just categories readers can click to see blogs related to infertility, fitness, cooking, etc.  It’s getting there but I have a long way to go.  If anyone has any tips for creating a better blog please let me know!!  I am open to all suggestions!

So 2016….it’s been real!  Real emotional, real stressful, real fun, real enlightening, real AMAZING.  It’s sad to let you go, but bigger things await 🙂

 

The sundry side of my life….

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So thus far this blog has been pretty much solely infertility-centric.  Infertility has been my biggest hurdle in life, partly just the effort it takes to go through it but mostly because the outcome is so unknown.  It’s also been challenging to not really have a venting outlet as so many people just Don’t. Get. It.  By creating this blog (and also joining an online support group I found through Facebook that my fertility clinic set up for patients) I’ve found people who understand , and reading all your stories has both broken my heart and given me hope.  The “Scrambled Eggs” part of my story has been discussed ad nauseum, and to be sure it will keep being discussed, and often!  But what I’ve come to find out is that the “Sundry” part of my story is just as important, and has proven vital while going through this journey.  All the other aspects of my life have helped me to recharge, refocus, and basically kept me (semi) sane.  So here’s just a little look at my other life interests when I’m not sticking myself with needles, keeping dosage calendars, running to the RE every five seconds, etc., etc……

Yoga

In my 20’s, I was what you would call “deceptively unfit”.  I was thin despite not being very active and eating like total crap.  One of the many advantages of being young!  Well once 30 came knocking on my door things started changing, and I wasn’t very happy about it.  I read in a magazine that Jennifer Aniston did something called Bikram Yoga, so I thought hey, if it’s good enough for her I can surely try it!  So my yoga course was charted.  I practiced Bikram for about 2 years, than moved on to hot vinyasa for a couple years, and am currently incorporating yin and more restorative yoga elements into my practice as well.

Yoga has changed my life.  It’s been a slow change, but when I look back to where I was both mentally and physically when I started practicing and where I am now, the differences are stark.  In the beginning, whatever I was dealing with at a particular moment would get expressed when I was on my mat.  Within the last year or two, I have started to reverse that.  Instead of letting all the other variables in my life affect my yoga practice, I am learning to start at the yoga mat, be present and mindful when I am there, and let that feeling spill over to other aspects of my life.  Coincidence that this change organically started to manifest itself right around the time my infertility challenges were peaking?  You be the judge 😉

Volunteering

I think by virtue of being a woman nurturing comes very naturally to me.  I like to help, I like to be needed.  I like to contribute.  I work for a water utility company that is very active in community events, so every now and then I would volunteer for certain events, a beach clean up here, a Habitat for Humanity building day there.  I found out I loved it so much, I started seeking out ways to help out my community on my own time.  I’ve worked on a domestic violence crisis team, volunteered at a homeless shelter, and taught children’s yoga in underprivileged neighborhoods.  I would love to foster shelter animals until they find their forever homes, but my husband has said we need to wait until we move into a bigger home to do that.  Practicality is such a buzzkill!

Knitting

So I am putting this in the list to hold me accountable to actually do it!  I learned to knit six years ago because my closest cousin who is like a sister to me was having her first baby.  I thought, “I’m going to knit her a blanket; how hard can it be?!”  Word of advice – if you have never knit a stitch in your life, DO NOT make your very first project a full size blanket.  It was a bit ambitious, but I did finish it!  Since then I’ve knit a couple more blankets, hats and golf club covers for my husband, scarves, and countless baby booties, hats, and mittens for friends and family having babies.  I just finished one this past weekend.  Hopefully someday I will be knitting for my own little one (all roads lead back don’t they?).

Myself

I know what you must be thinking – she’s putting HERSELF on this list of interests??  EGO much?!  I know it sounds a bit selfish, but I am starting to realize that making oneself a priority is actually the most SELFLESS thing a person can do.  Learning who I am is helping me become a better wife, friend, employee, and someday hopefully a better mom (foster kittens here I come 😉 !)  I have to say this process has been very hard.  Trust me it hasn’t consisted of me looking in the mirror every day and telling myself what an awesome cool chick I am.  It has consisted of me facing some traits I don’t really like about myself – I can be selfish.  I can be stubborn to the point of getting angry.  I can be very insecure.  I can be a bit of a know it all, which stems from said insecurity.  This hasn’t been easy to admit.  However, I’m also learning to not judge myself.  To be patient with myself.  To listen to myself and my body.  To trust that change occurs organically and at its own pace.  I am at the very beginning of this journey that I know will be a lifelong process.  But hey, I’m stuck with myself for life, so I guess I have the time!

So……that’s probably more sundry than anyone wanted!  There’s definitely more I’m passionate about – my work (the job I actually get paid for!), cooking, wine, coffee, and of course my absolutely AMAZING husband and my littlest love – my ten year old shi tzu Niko.  I hope to discuss all these people/things in time because they all hold an important place in my crazy life.

Infertility can make me forget about all these things sometimes.  It consumes me, as it does for many people going through the struggle.  Each day on this Earth I feel different than the day before.  However I am learning that the best days are when I let myself acknowledge that my life is already full; already has meaning.  It’s not easy to get to these realizations; it takes work and conscious effort.  I am putting in the work, and hopefully there will be many of those days to come ❤