2016 we are breaking up….

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Don’t get me wrong, I have to admit 2016 was a pretty awesome year.  I got to plan the wedding I never knew I always wanted, I married my soul mate, and we bought a cute little house that we are now making our home.  M and I got to enjoy just being a regular couple.  However, 2016 has become like this comfortable relationship that I just dread leaving, but I know I must move on!

I feel like this year was the calm AFTER the storm.  We had so much heartache in 2014 and 2015 with our infertility, 2016 was like this peaceful oasis.  So now that it is at a close, it’s making me a little nervous.  We still have our one little embryo frozen since 2015.  We really need to settle on a time to schedule the transfer, but I have been dragging my feet.  I’ve said it before, but this is our last chance to have a biological child and right now that tiny sliver of hope is still alive.  Once we complete the transfer it will become REAL.  And all hope will be gained or lost.  Now I also have to reiterate I don’t care about biology.  My own relationship with my biological family is pretty strained with most members, so it’s not important to me.  It’s just that if this doesn’t work, we will be starting again at square one, and that’s what is scary.  It’s just like making the decision to end a relationship or stay with it – it may not be the best but it’s comfortable and starting all over is such a PAIN!!

With all of this one thing is still sure – I still want to be a mom.  Probably even more than that, lately I really want M to be a dad!  He is so patient, mindful, and just a big kid himself!  I would love for him to have the chance at being a parent.  So we will not give up, and we will have to bite the bullet and transfer sometime soon.  Now we just have to figure out when….

2016 has also been a big year of growth and learning new things.  The two years prior were so filled with infertility related goings-on that there was not much time left for anything else.  This year I finally went back to school by taking a few classes, I got much more into cooking and recipe rehabbing, I learned I liked to decorate and have been doing so in my new house, and most recently – and this is supper exciting – I have started learning about and purchasing essential oils!  I have used essential oils sporadically for the past few years, mainly just for yoga purposes or to get to sleep.  A few weeks ago I took the plunge and bought a whole starter kit from Young Living Essential Oils.  Well I have been obsessed ever since!  I am still a newborn and have only used a couple oils so far, but I will be writing about my experiences soon!  (side note:  if anyone has any experiences or suggestions in this area I would love to hear them)

I have also attempted to reorganize my blog, although that has been less than successful.  I am trying to venture into other topics other than fertility, but it’s been a bit challenging to convey that.  I would essentially like to have a static front page and then just categories readers can click to see blogs related to infertility, fitness, cooking, etc.  It’s getting there but I have a long way to go.  If anyone has any tips for creating a better blog please let me know!!  I am open to all suggestions!

So 2016….it’s been real!  Real emotional, real stressful, real fun, real enlightening, real AMAZING.  It’s sad to let you go, but bigger things await 🙂

 

Thoughts on giving up social media for one week.

goodbyefacebookteaser-100336171-origI am a bit of a Facebook addict.  I don’t spend hours on end scrolling, nor do I post a whole heck of a lot.  However I do randomly check Facebook several times a day.  If I’m feeling overwhelmed at work, sitting in a long line of traffic, brushing my teeth (see, I told you it’s embarrassing).  I was actually one of the last of my friends to even get a Facebook account, but now it has gotten to a point where I honestly can’t remember the last time I went a complete day without checking social media (for me that means Facebook and Instagram).  So, what better time than now to conduct an experiment!  Let’s forget about a day, I went all in and did a full week’s worth of unplugging.  Here’s what happened!

Day 1:  Full disclosure – I technically already failed.  I wrote a blog post and wanted to share it with my infertility group on Facebook.  I logged in to post the blog and logged off immediately.  I didn’t like anything, I didn’t comment on anything.  I may have sneaked a peak at my notifications and MAYBE done half a scroll or so on the old mouse.  I also deactivated my account for the week.  I didn’t want to make some big proclamation about leaving Facebook, but I also didn’t want people to think I’m just ignoring them if they are trying to get in touch.  I’m still counting this day as Day 1.

Mood & Musings:

  • I definitely felt the pangs separation anxiety.  It was a bit unsettling how often social media was on my mind.  I felt anxious about what I was missing.
  • I read a couple articles online about giving up social media.  Turns out there are actual studies that have been conducted that show people who are not on social media are happier, less lonely and more focused than those of us who are.  I didn’t feel much happier yet, but I definitely looked forward to it!
  • Told M about my little experiment and he decided he wanted to join in as well.
  • It seems Day 1 was spent filling the void of social media with other internet based goings on.  Hmm.

Day 2:

Mood & Musings:

  • Day 2 was a big day because M and I put an offer down on a new house, and we traveled to Connecticut to spend the weekend with M’s brother, sister in law, and their 9 month old baby boy.  I didn’t really think about social media much at all.
  • Instead of mindlessly scrolling, I talked to M during most of the car ride (I’m not sure he would consider this a positive!).
  • I started a new book to fill my time.
  • I think this experiment is harder for M than for me because I have all notification turned off for my apps, and he doesn’t.  He kept commenting throughout the day that he was getting notifications and really wanted to look at them.  He didn’t, at least not that I know of 😉

Day 3:

Mood & Musings:

  • Spent the day with my sister in law while M went to play golf with his brother.  We talked about fertility stuff – she had two miscarriages before having her son and they are getting ready to try again soon.  She’s over 40 so unfortunately the clock is ticking.  Talking about my DOR and our future transfer always brings tears at some point.  I rebounded though and overall the day was fun.  Didn’t think about social media at all until I remembered some of my girlfriends were getting together that night and wondered how that was going.  It’s weird not knowing what is going on at all times!
  • Side note:  is a blog considered social media??  This thought popped into my head on Day 3.  I guess it is.  For me social media refers to outlets like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.  This blog is sort of an online diary so I think it’s still in it’s own separate category in my mind.

Day 4:

Mood & Musings:

  • Full disclosure again – out of sheer habit, I clicked on the Instagram app on my phone.  I looked at one picture and clicked on one hashtag before I realized “This is social media!!” and dropped my phone like a hot potato.
  • I still wasn’t feeling any happier.  Started thinking that happiness study might be crap.
  • We put a counter offer in on a house we liked.  Fingers crossed!

Day 5:

Mood & Musings:

  • Woke up this morning and had an email from our realtor – our house offer was accepted!  We are homeowners!  Yippee!!
  • My work day was so productive without taking random breaks to check Facebook.
  • I almost felt like I was living this secret life that no one knows about. I was definitely starting to dig it.

Day 6:

Mood & Musings:

  • Not looking at Facebook means I didn’t have to concern myself with what everyone else was doing, nor with their opinions of what I was doing.  I don’t have to spend time deciding on what to post, what not to post, perfecting pictures before uploading, etc.  It’s refreshing.  I’m just doing my thing and living my life.  What a concept!

Day 7:

Mood & Musings:

  • It’s over already??  I was almost anxious about emerging from my social media free cocoon today.  How funny that just a few days ago I was anxious about living without Facebook and now I was anxious for the complete opposite reason.
  • Over the last two days I actually started really enjoying being disconnected from my Facebook “friends” and Instagram “followers”.  Friends and Followers.  It sounds so strange when said in that way.  None of those people are my followers, and some I wouldn’t even consider friends since I haven’t seen them since high school.
  • Should I cancel my account all together?  Leave it deactivated and just pop in every now and then?  Should I let people know I am doing this, or is that pretentious?
  • Once again I was struck with how good it feels that no one knows what I am doing and I don’t know what they are doing and somehow we are all surviving!

Overall Thoughts

I have realized I really like my little life and I’m actually feeling a bit protective of it today.  I’m not sure I want to give up my precious time and be sucked right back in to mindless scrolling.  I don’t know if I want to open myself up to being affected by people’s words (especially parents complaining about their children!!).  I have come to realize that other people’s thoughts and opinions shared on social media truly did affect and drain me, even if is was on a subconscious level.

Overall I wouldn’t say I feel happier, but I do feel calmer.  I feel like I can formulate my own thoughts without the chatter of everyone’s opinions.  I definitely feel more productive and have more downtime.  The word that keeps popping into my head is space.  Space to think.  Space to breathe.  Space to be present.

I’m not sure what my social media habits will look like after today.  I still haven’t logged into anything.  I still want to be able to connect with my fertility group and with others sparingly, but I will definitely be more mindful about it.  Who knows, this may become a permanent thing.  (I will still be writing my blog and checking in with other bloggers though.  Let’s not get crazy. 😉 )

The sundry side of my life….

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So thus far this blog has been pretty much solely infertility-centric.  Infertility has been my biggest hurdle in life, partly just the effort it takes to go through it but mostly because the outcome is so unknown.  It’s also been challenging to not really have a venting outlet as so many people just Don’t. Get. It.  By creating this blog (and also joining an online support group I found through Facebook that my fertility clinic set up for patients) I’ve found people who understand , and reading all your stories has both broken my heart and given me hope.  The “Scrambled Eggs” part of my story has been discussed ad nauseum, and to be sure it will keep being discussed, and often!  But what I’ve come to find out is that the “Sundry” part of my story is just as important, and has proven vital while going through this journey.  All the other aspects of my life have helped me to recharge, refocus, and basically kept me (semi) sane.  So here’s just a little look at my other life interests when I’m not sticking myself with needles, keeping dosage calendars, running to the RE every five seconds, etc., etc……

Yoga

In my 20’s, I was what you would call “deceptively unfit”.  I was thin despite not being very active and eating like total crap.  One of the many advantages of being young!  Well once 30 came knocking on my door things started changing, and I wasn’t very happy about it.  I read in a magazine that Jennifer Aniston did something called Bikram Yoga, so I thought hey, if it’s good enough for her I can surely try it!  So my yoga course was charted.  I practiced Bikram for about 2 years, than moved on to hot vinyasa for a couple years, and am currently incorporating yin and more restorative yoga elements into my practice as well.

Yoga has changed my life.  It’s been a slow change, but when I look back to where I was both mentally and physically when I started practicing and where I am now, the differences are stark.  In the beginning, whatever I was dealing with at a particular moment would get expressed when I was on my mat.  Within the last year or two, I have started to reverse that.  Instead of letting all the other variables in my life affect my yoga practice, I am learning to start at the yoga mat, be present and mindful when I am there, and let that feeling spill over to other aspects of my life.  Coincidence that this change organically started to manifest itself right around the time my infertility challenges were peaking?  You be the judge 😉

Volunteering

I think by virtue of being a woman nurturing comes very naturally to me.  I like to help, I like to be needed.  I like to contribute.  I work for a water utility company that is very active in community events, so every now and then I would volunteer for certain events, a beach clean up here, a Habitat for Humanity building day there.  I found out I loved it so much, I started seeking out ways to help out my community on my own time.  I’ve worked on a domestic violence crisis team, volunteered at a homeless shelter, and taught children’s yoga in underprivileged neighborhoods.  I would love to foster shelter animals until they find their forever homes, but my husband has said we need to wait until we move into a bigger home to do that.  Practicality is such a buzzkill!

Knitting

So I am putting this in the list to hold me accountable to actually do it!  I learned to knit six years ago because my closest cousin who is like a sister to me was having her first baby.  I thought, “I’m going to knit her a blanket; how hard can it be?!”  Word of advice – if you have never knit a stitch in your life, DO NOT make your very first project a full size blanket.  It was a bit ambitious, but I did finish it!  Since then I’ve knit a couple more blankets, hats and golf club covers for my husband, scarves, and countless baby booties, hats, and mittens for friends and family having babies.  I just finished one this past weekend.  Hopefully someday I will be knitting for my own little one (all roads lead back don’t they?).

Myself

I know what you must be thinking – she’s putting HERSELF on this list of interests??  EGO much?!  I know it sounds a bit selfish, but I am starting to realize that making oneself a priority is actually the most SELFLESS thing a person can do.  Learning who I am is helping me become a better wife, friend, employee, and someday hopefully a better mom (foster kittens here I come 😉 !)  I have to say this process has been very hard.  Trust me it hasn’t consisted of me looking in the mirror every day and telling myself what an awesome cool chick I am.  It has consisted of me facing some traits I don’t really like about myself – I can be selfish.  I can be stubborn to the point of getting angry.  I can be very insecure.  I can be a bit of a know it all, which stems from said insecurity.  This hasn’t been easy to admit.  However, I’m also learning to not judge myself.  To be patient with myself.  To listen to myself and my body.  To trust that change occurs organically and at its own pace.  I am at the very beginning of this journey that I know will be a lifelong process.  But hey, I’m stuck with myself for life, so I guess I have the time!

So……that’s probably more sundry than anyone wanted!  There’s definitely more I’m passionate about – my work (the job I actually get paid for!), cooking, wine, coffee, and of course my absolutely AMAZING husband and my littlest love – my ten year old shi tzu Niko.  I hope to discuss all these people/things in time because they all hold an important place in my crazy life.

Infertility can make me forget about all these things sometimes.  It consumes me, as it does for many people going through the struggle.  Each day on this Earth I feel different than the day before.  However I am learning that the best days are when I let myself acknowledge that my life is already full; already has meaning.  It’s not easy to get to these realizations; it takes work and conscious effort.  I am putting in the work, and hopefully there will be many of those days to come ❤

So this happened….

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I got married!  Yep, for the last two months I have been busy planning a wedding, no big deal 😉  M and I finally tied the knot, almost 4 years to the day we started dating.  Four years together, almost 3 of those fighting the infertility monster.  Four years of happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointments, adventures, and just LIFE culminated in an absolutely beautiful sunset ceremony on a picture perfect day overlooking the New York City skyline.  We invited 60 of our nearest and dearest to our little shindig and if I do say so myself it could not have been a better.  It was touching, emotional, intimate, and just US. So yeah, that happened!

A couple weeks post-“I do” and now we are in the process of looking for a house.  We have a pretty tight timeline since our lease is running out on our current place and it’s really just too small for us now.  The rest of the summer will probably be a mixture of house hunting, money managing, getting together with friends, going to the beach at least once, and just savoring our newlywed status.  Oh yeah, and I’m going to have to get used to a new name!  Holy sh*tballs.

So everything has been going well.  Our relationship is as solid as ever, we had a fairy tale wedding day, hopefully buying our own home in the next couple months, and I will be continuing my education come September in a Bachelors to Masters degree program into which I was accepted.  However, as all of you well know, there is still that nagging monster whispering in my ear every chance it gets–the infertility monster.

As a reminder, I have one PGD tested frozen embryo waiting to be transferred since March 2015.  Of the five stimulation cycles I endured, only once did I make it to retrieval.  Five eggs were retrieved, three made it to Day 5, and one tested PGD normal, so here we are.  One would think I would be ready to go full steam ahead with this little emby that could/might.  Well, I’m not.

This little emby is my last chance at a biological child.  I am not going through any more stimulation cycles to try an retrieve more eggs.  This is it.  Right now, he/she is out there.  Frozen in time.  A little sliver of hope.  Once he or she gets put back into the real world, in real time, there is a 50/50 chance of implantation, and even then there is no guarantee it will result in a healthy pregnancy and birth.  That’s a lot of pressure for a single little embryo.

Don’t get me wrong.  Biology isn’t very important to me.  I want to be a mom.  I do want to experience being pregnant, so using a donor egg would be an option I would most definitely consider.  Possibly even a donor embryo, for financial reasons.  I just want to be a mom to a child, to love them and raise them.  Biology doesn’t dictate that.  Love, compassion, and connection is what is important.  The thing is that is another long, expensive, process that we would have to start.  We would have to begin another journey.  And to be honest it’s just an exhausting prospect.  In September of 2015 I hit the end of the stim cycle road with my fourth cancelled cycle (fifth cycle total).  As much as I was mentally prepared and knew that would be my last cycle regardless of the outcome, the reality hit me very hard.  The disappointment was palpable, and seeing M’s disappointment just made it all the more bitter.  So if this transfer is not successful, in my practical mind I am ready for it and know what the next steps can be, but nothing is going to be able to prepare me for the reality of that moment, all I know is that it will be unpleasant (to put it mildly!).

Right now, there is hope.  I guess I am scared to have that hope dashed.  Hope is a very dangerous thing.  It’s awesome to have it, to believe in it.  But when that hope is gone, it’s the worst thing in the world.  I try not to let it in sometimes, but it has a sneaky way of worming it’s way into my subconscious and it just sits there whether I want it to or not.  Such is the human condition I suppose.

Maybe some would say to me – “But C, what if it DOES work?  What if this little emby that could becomes the little emby that DID??”  Well, that is very easy.  That would be the best thing in the world.  It wouldn’t take away any of the pain of the last few years, but it would sure as hell put it all into perspective.  It would just be awesome and awe-inspiring.  It would be everything (no pressure!).

So I ask of my fellow infertility warriors – any advice??  Thoughts on transfers?  Best time to have one?  Any suggestions on what to do to prepare?  How long to prepare??  I welcome all thoughts and suggestions!  Please share!

 

Thoughts for National Infertility Awareness Week

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I can’t believe it’s been two and a half years since I was officially diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  30 months of living with it.  When I think back to that time in October of 2013, sometimes I just laugh and miss how innocent I was.  Like I said in my last post, I didn’t know anything about infertility.  I was like the people who drive me crazy today – optimistic, ignorant, diminishing, naive.  National Infertility Awareness Week is an awesome platform because in this community that is exactly what we are missing the most – Awareness.

I can go on Social Media and find out what people are eating for breakfast, or what products they use to clean their bathrooms, or what deodorant they are currently sampling (true story.).  We are living in a society that overshares, I get it.  Heck, obviously I even participate in it (sans deodorant stories).  However, when it comes to infertility, I have come to realize it makes some people very uncomfortable.  It’s still some sort of taboo to talk about, and it’s absurd.  Maybe it’s because people feel badly and don’t know what to say.  Maybe it’s because they have popped out four kids in as many years and this is a problem that never even crossed their minds.  But maybe they are just like I was – blissfully ignorant.  I think my false sense of security stemmed from seeing so many older people having children and all the success stories I heard.  I never gave it a second thought that maybe these women getting pregnant at 47 were using donor eggs, or maybe they had frozen their eggs 10 years ago and were finally experiencing a successful transfer.  Maybe they had spent thousands of dollars and suffered terrible losses.  We don’t see that side of things.  We only see the successes.  And the blissful ignorance for me came from not yet knowing that behind all those amazing successes were many, many heartbreaking failures.  This is the reality we don’t see.  This is where we really have the need for awareness.  Not pity, not false optimism.  Just awareness.  From there, maybe some acknowledgement and empathy could emerge.

I know we all have a list for how our lives changed in not so positive ways since infertility.  I dedicated an entire post last week on how it turned me into a raging one upping pity monster.  On some days, I am still that person and I think that’s perfectly allowed!  But today I think I just want to make a brief list of ways infertility has unexpectedly benefited my life.  I would like to think I would have been evolved enough to learn these lessons in a less cruel way, but that is out of my control.  Anyway, here it is:

  1. I learned about my infertility in a very random way.  I hadn’t even been trying to conceive at that point.  I take this as a positive because if I hadn’t found out my diagnosis when I did, when I finally did learn about it two, three years later it would have been after trying (and failing) to conceive naturally and far too late to even have a chance at a biological child.  As it is, I have one chance, my little frozen embryo.
  2. Selfish moments notwithstanding, infertility has made me more compassionate and understanding.  It’s made me realize that outwardly a person may look like a million bucks, but no one really knows what is going on in that person’s body, heart, and mind.  On the contrary, I’ve found often it’s the people that complain the least that have the most to deal with.  We are all fighting our own battles.
  3. Infertility is such a shit show.  Life in general is just so tough.  So now, when a moment is good, I try to embrace it and enjoy it.  It may not last very long, and it will most certainly change.  This is something I struggle with, but I’m working on it.
  4. I’m mindful.  I really try to be self aware and feel whatever I’m feeling, be it good or bad.  Sometimes, this had lead to facing some harsh realizations about myself, and others.  Sometimes I don’t really know what to do with my feeling or emotions, or I feel ashamed of them.  But at least I acknowledge them.  That’s a step.
  5. I’ve become a lot more interested in physical fitness and wellness in general.  A recent hobby of mine is “rehabbing” recipes.  Instead of just baking cookies I will look for a “healthy” cookie recipe that doesn’t require butter and sugar, or instead of eating pasta I will substitute zucchini noodles or spaghetti squash.  It’s actually been fun and believe it or not some of my rehabbed recipes are even easier to make than the originals and taste fabulous!
  6. Probably the best thing that has come out of my infertility diagnosis and the one thing I would never give up is my unbelievably strong bond with M.  Since being diagnosed up to now, M and I have officially moved in together, gotten engaged, and are getting married in June.  Infertility pretty much took over our lives, but through it all he has been a source of strength, positivity, and light around me.  I think about previous relationships I had and what would happen if I had to endure infertility with those partners, and very flatly it wouldn’t have worked out.  In the past, my relationships were very adversarial; we always seemed to be on opposing sides for some reason.  With M, I truly feel we are a team.  We love each other, we respect each other and we are each other’s biggest fan.  Our relationship has changed, but it is just as strong as ever.

So yeah.  I’m one in eight.  This is what infertility looks like.  It’s not always pretty, it’s not always good.  It’s not for the weak.  To all my infertility sisters, all I can say is that you are all bad asses!  You are all strong, beautiful women in all your messy, angry, heartbreaking, happy, caring, selfish, INSPIRING glory.  I am proud to stand with you.  I am proud to fight with you and for you.  You all rock!

It’s not all about me! Except that sometimes I want it to be.

downloadYou guys, in case you’ve forgotten, infertility really sucks.  It’s changed me.  It’s changed my personality.  And sometimes, I don’t like those changes.  At all.

In some ways, infertility has made me more compassionate and understanding.  It’s made me realize that we all have things going on that may not necessarily be known, but that affect us.  If someone is acting rude or absent minded or just seems a bit “off”, for the most part now I don’t take it personally and just realize that as I am going through an issue, he or she may also be facing something private.  Infertility has helped me give people the benefit of the doubt.

In other ways, it’s really turned me into a one upping bitch (I hate that term but there is really no other way to describe it!).  You see, at first I didn’t see the seriousness of my situation.  I told a couple friends about my diagnosis, but I still had so much false hope that things would work out and everything would be fine.  Just like many people who don’t have an intimate relationship with infertility, I thought, this is 2013 (at the time).  There are so many advances in fertility treatments!  I got this!  I was so naive.  I did to myself what so many people do to me now – minimized my situation.

Fast forward to almost three years of shots, scans, blood work, and procedures.  I have come to realize that no, I don’t got this.  I don’t got this at all.  Nevertheless, like many other diseases, infertility can’t be seen, which leads many people to think I live a charmed life.  I have a wonderful partner (soon to be husband!) and I have a good job.  I have time to devote to hobbies.  I look outwardly healthy.  What in the world must I know about problems!  My life is perfect!  People feel very free to let me know this, and often!

And here is where the bitchiness comes in.  At first, I would just kind of smile and say everyone has issues and no one lives a perfect life.  The more time has passed however, the harder it has become to just leave it at that.  I am tired of my problems being diminished.  I’m tired of people thinking because I am single and childless that whatever I have going on in my life is not important.  Being 36 years old, many people I know are parents.  I have gotten to the point where it feels like parents are the only group of people for which it is socially acceptable to complain.  People without kids, sorry!  Your problems pale in comparison!  I mean I get that parenting has got to be the toughest job second to none.  People need to vent.  I totally understand this.  But sorry parents, you don’t have the monopoly on problems.  Especially when you planned on having these children.  (side rant:  If a couple is not using any form or birth control and the woman falls pregnant, I consider that a planned pregnancy.  I have a friend who was absolutely gob smacked when she found out she was pregnant earlier this year, despite the fact that she never used any form of birth control.  No, that’s not how it works.  Be surprised when you’re not using protection and you DON’T fall pregnant.  That’s when you know you have an issue.)

And then the one upping starts.  If someone starts complaining to me, about their children or about anything really, I feel the need to interject with some complaint of my own, just to show that actually no, my life is NOT perfect.  Or if a friend who knows about my infertility complains about her shoe size going up after pregnancy, I feel the need to say well at least you have your child, I wouldn’t mind going up a shoe size or a dress size!  Yes, that actually happened.  It makes me feel absolutely monstrous.  Who am I?!

I realized that I was turning into a self pitying monster when I started planning my wedding.  I actually got to the point where even though this positive thing was going on I always felt the need to remind people of my infertility, as if to say I’m having a good time now but this boulder is still on my plate.  Which it is, and it is something that is always with me.  But why did I feel the need to MENTION it, and multiple times?!  I couldn’t go on like that.  It was awful!

Infertility was turning me into someone I didn’t like very much.  Now, I am trying to find a balance.  If someone asks me about having children or points out that I am getting a bit long in the tooth (thanks for noticing!), or how lucky I am that I don’t have any bratty kids, I am honest.  I don’t go into specifics, but I do say I have some fertility issues and children may not be a possibility for me.  However when people come to me with their own problems, I am keeping it about them.  I have always been a person that people would come to when they need to vent, and I want to continue being that person.  Of course I still have my moments of pity and I do stand up for myself more now than I used to, but I think that’s ok.  I’ve realized that although I’m powerless to my diagnosis, I do have power over my own actions.  Screw you infertility, although you are a complete asshole I don’t have to be one.

So to conclude – life is tough.  Instead of not enjoying good moments because of my condition, I am trying to enjoy the good moments EVEN MORE.  No one likes a one upper.  Especially not a bitchy one 😉

Back with a vengeance. Or just back:)

The-best-time-for-new-beginnings-is-nowSo.  Holy crap.  I haven’t written anything on this blog for a whopping 18 months.  Is that some kind of record?!  Well, it should be!  A part of me was just going to scrap this blog and start over fresh, but then I thought wait a second, I created this space so I could have a place to come with my thoughts, my rants, my failures, and my successes.  It was started honestly and it was also suspended honestly.  And, speaking honestly, I have a bit of trouble finishing what I start.  I am a very good starter, just not a very good follow through-er.  A teacher of mine once said having integrity is saying what you mean and following through on what you say.  So, here I am, picking up where I left off.  I don’t know if anyone will continue reading this, but hopefully you will.

So…..18 months.  548 days, give or take.  The last post I wrote was on November 6, 2014.  At that point my second IVF cycle had just been cancelled and we were taking a break.  Well, the break was fortuitous because in March 2015 during IVF cycle #3 I actually made it to retrieval, a first for me.  During that cycle 5 eggs were retrieved, and all 5 fertilized with ICSI.  Since I suffer with Diminished Ovarian Reserve, M and I were thrilled with these numbers!  3 fertilized eggs made it to Day 5, when we made the decision to have PDG testing performed.  1 embryo was deemed normal, and was frozen at that point.  That little precious embryo is still frozen in time today.

After that successful retrieval, M and I decided to try twice more, in June 2015 and September 2015.  Twice more our cycles were cancelled do to poor response to stims.  Our last attempt in September marked the end of trying to retrieve any more eggs from my reticent ovaries.  That part of our journey is now over.  It hit me very hard, actually.  Mentally I thought I was prepared for it, but when I got the call from my RE that she was cancelling the cycle, it was real and it was painful.  Throwing away calendars, lists, packing away unused medication, disposing of THREE sharps containers and seeing how the last year and a half of our lives had so revolved around our treatments was a harsh reality to face.  It was time for another break.

On October 30, 2015, M and I set off on another adventure because M PROPOSED!!  Yes, in case you have forgotten M and I are not married.  Long story short, we learned of my infertility after I got my AMH tested on a whim, and we had only been dating for about a year and a half.  Infertility took up a huge chunk of our lives from then on, and if it hadn’t been for my diagnosis and delving into the scary reproductive medicinal world, we probably already would be married.  But life deals us what it deems fit, so here we are.  Truthfully, it worked out perfectly.  If M had chosen to propose in the middle of any of our IVF attempts, of course I would have been ecstatic but also it would have been somewhat tempered by the enormity of the IVF process.  Once we closed the door on doing any more stimulation cycles, it felt very final.  Which was painful, don’t get me wrong.  But it felt like we were ready for a new chapter.  M decided to propose after we went to hear a radio broadcast of War of the Worlds, which was set in Grover’s Mill, NJ which just happens to be the next town over from where we live.  So this is a big deal for us, and all geeks 😉  It was about 11pm, I was in sweats and no makeup, ready for bed as that is pretty late for me (ha), and he just popped the question!  At first I thought it was just rhetorical, as we have discussed marriage often and he didn’t have a ring out.  But just as I said yes, of course I’ll marry you silly!, out came the ring!  I was like, oh wait a minute, this is for real?!  Yes, it was!  And it was just perfect.  Our wedding date is Friday, June 24 of this year.  We can’t wait.

So, back to our little precious embryo.  It is still frozen and waiting for us.  We are thinking of doing a transfer in September/October of this year.  It’s scary, since this will be our last chance at a child which is biologically both ours.  I don’t give two hoots about biology, but I do care that if we decide to try again with a donor egg, it is extremely expensive and will probably require a long wait while we acquire funds.  Maybe we will try a donor embryo?  I’m not quite sure.  A lot if riding on this one little embie, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on it (or us).  What will be, will be.

So, that’s where I’m at.  Other stuff has happened too.  I’ve become a certified children’s yoga instructor.  I finally earned my Associates’s Degree.  I’ve become more involved in yoga and fitness, which I hope to be able to incorporate into this blog.  I’ve faced some tough truths about myself, which I will also get into at a later date.  Oh yeah, and I’m getting MARRIED!!

Life is hard.  So I am trying to embrace the good when it happens.  I’m trying to have integrity by coming back to this blog, instead of just discarding it and starting new.  I’m a work in progress, but who isn’t?!

I look forward to catching up with some of the ladies I followed before my LONG hiatus.  And of course to making new friends and followers.  I’m thinking of starting an Instagram account as well.  Who am I?!

Peace and Love to all, xoxo